November

The months are flying by around here! Over Thanksgiving I was thinking about how life is controlling me instead of me controlling life. One big reason is the other lives I'm so deeply intertwined with and that are interdependent on me for so many things. This is the beauty and purpose of motherhood and family, but I'm pretty sure there are some tweaks we can make somewhere to give me more control over my own life...

At the beginning of November Ceci started training with the intermediate climbing team at The Front climbing gym. She LOVES to climb and is improving quickly, and she is making good friends in the process. She goes twice a week for 2.5 hours, and eventually she'll have competitions thrown in too.

Tennie took a trip to Yellowstone with her friend Lindsay. Being in the wild is always good for her soul.

She and a friend bought one-way tickets to Europe this summer to bike through several countries. She is working as a stage hand and usher, as well as giving plasma twice a week to pay her bills and save what she can. She has planned out her remaining college years with the current plan to apply for the journalism program and minor in Arabic. Her life is full and good!

Adele continues to prepare for the ACT, which seems like an endless and sometime not-so-effective endeavor. It looms heavily on top of her other school work and the stress of college applications. Geoff met Adele's good friend Alexa and her mom in Boston where Geoff had meetings and Adele and Alexa attended a high-school conference for teens at MIT. She loved getting around with Uber and being in Boston with a good friend.

Geoff spoke to some students at Harvard Business School, so they loved exploring the campus a bit.

She and Geoff then drove north to Montreal to check out McGill University, one of Adele's top choices, but a very difficult school to get in to. She loved the city, met with some professors, one of which Geoff met years ago in Argentina and gives Geoff full responsibility for getting him where he is today. It was a great trip.

While they were gone some of us Davis sisters worked hard to help Brittany put on a holiday pop-up shop. She has to urgently go through three consecutive IVF treatments, which is expensive. Over the years she has purchased beautiful, hand-made items from around the world with the intention of opening an online shop one day, but the situation called for a more urgent way to sell her goods. It was a load of work, but it turned out beautifully.

She is a natural artistic director and created a remarkable shop out of her housing development's social room. It looked like a legit boutique! We had a snack bar with pizza and cookies and drinks too. Her many friends came and supported the shop, and then they stuck around like it was a full-evening out. It was really fun and quite successful for the few hours it was open. Geoff's family knows how to rally. They are supportive and loving to the end. Here are the teams that pulled it off...

Adele and Ceci had a photo shoot that came with a modeling class they took. The photographer has a unique style that we don't love (I might post the pictures if the girls will allow me!) But here are a few side shots:

We actually got a lot of good laughs through the whole process.

Geoff spoke at Snow College one day, and he and I enjoyed the drive through remote Utah and meeting the students at this small college. He has quite a life/professional story to tell!

I started tutoring an Iraqi woman in English. I go every Thursday for 2 hours and every other Monday for 2 hours. This has been really fun!

We went to St. George for Thanksgiving, which is always low-key and slow-paced, which many who are pushing hard in our little family were thankful for. Geoff and Adele flew directly into St. George from their trip. Before they got there Tennie, Ceci, Tag and Dooz joined some Dixie College students for night games on campus. Hot cocoa followed the games.

We had Thanksgiving at some friends of my brother Mitch and his wife Joann. They pretty much made the entire dinner and cleaned the whole thing up. No complaints there! We played games at their home a few nights, went to several movies, played card games, watched football and did a lot of Black Friday Christmas shopping. I love a whole weekend devoted to family and gratitude!

Ceci has been playing around with the photoshop app and came up with a possible Christmas card photo (can you tell the person added in? Ha!)

She's also made me travel the world on my bike...

Believe me, there are about six gazillion photoshopped photos on my camera...I'm just sharing a few.

And now we're on to the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Marriage - Part 7

It is often helpful to have a phrase that means something to both people. "This isn't working for me", that I mentioned in my last marriage post, signifies we're moving into a problem-solving mode. We both know it; all brainstorming is welcome and encouraged. We have another phrase:

Can I make a request?

You know those things in home life that are just annoying? Someone leaves the cupboard doors open, the sponge doesn't get rinsed out, wet towels are left on the floor, and the list goes on. The crazy thing about these types of annoyances is that they are only annoying to some people. I may not even notice that what I'm doing is bothersome to Geoff, or vice versa. Of course, there are some things you just ignore, accommodate, or embrace, but some things are really irksome. Instead of resentment building or resorting to nagging, we just say, "Can I make a request?" We both know that the other is going to recommend a change in behavior when we hear that phrase. "Would you mind cleaning off the table after you work there? A clean table is visually important for me." To the one receiving the request, it may seem silly to care so much about something, or it may seem hard to change the habit, but LOVE is the motivation. If I know Geoff is really bothered by something, even if I don't think it is a big deal, I want to work on changing the behavior. It might take me awhile to remember, but if he occasionally reminds me I am thankful for the nudges toward change.

Good communication requires selflessness, humility, fairness and kindness. It demands respectfulness and oneness.

To finish off this marriage series, I am going to share a mentality, or perspective, that kind of ties all of these posts together. Geoff and I consider ourselves a team. Team Davis. It isn't about Geoff and it isn't about me, it is about us. We are always looking out for the team. Neither of us would knowingly hurt each other, take from the other, or seek to only build up our own interests. Sometimes one team member needs all support, and in that case the other rallies. With Geoff's illness and my depression, we both have had times of life revolving around our needs. It isn't easy.

I remember one time in France when Geoff was very sick I was readying the trash to take to the street 122 stairs up, a daily task. Geoff was laying on the couch. He said something like, "Darcie, I so badly want to take the trash out. Please know I am so grateful you are carrying all the load right now. I'm not going to get used to this. I WILL take out the trash again when I can."

If a person on the team is out, for whatever reason, the other takes up the slack without resentment (done through communication). A team is unified in purpose. They work to get better. They watch out for each other's wellbeing. Being a good team member requires the same qualities as good communication: selflessness, humility, fairness, kindness, respect and oneness.

Be a team.

Marriage - Part 6

There is a personality color test we once did. I can't remember the name of the book, but it was pretty simplistic, dividing people into one of four colors:

RED - Type A, takes charge, quick decisions, problem solver, self-reliant, gets things done
BLUE - Likes order, conscientious, disciplined, precise, thorough
YELLOW - Optimistic, enthusiastic, people person, spontaneous, fun, free
WHITE - Peacemaker, calm, agreeable, loyal, self-controlled, consistent, good listener

You get the basic idea. Geoff is a RED/YELLOW and I am a RED/BLUE.

When our kids were small, Geoff was starting a company that took him away from home a lot. Often he was gone for weeks at a time. Every Saturday he was in town I would present a list of to-do items for us to accomplish on our rare day at home together. With two of us tackling the list the things might just get done! I looked forward to these Saturdays, placing all hope of feeling control in my life on that list. Productivity was my goal! But every Saturday would pass by and Geoff would move slowly, go on bike rides, play with the girls, push for outings, and somehow we never quite got to my list. This drove me crazy, and the things on the list just didn't get done. I had to fight resentment.

One day it occurred to me, after taking this color personality test for fun, that Geoff was RED all day every day at work, and when he came home on weekends, he wanted to honor the YELLOW in him. He needed space in his life to be free, fun, playful and spontaneous. That was a big discovery for me. I realized it was important for me to allow him this space. This took a lot of pressure off of Geoff. There was not a to-do list for him to tackle every weekend at home. This wasn't laziness or selfishness, it was really something he needed to fully be his best self.

But what about me and honoring what I needed? Geoff's work demands left me mothering alone most of the time with little ones. I had a hard time getting things done (honoring my RED) and keeping order in my life (honoring my BLUE), yet I loved that Geoff had a meaningful job that was full of purpose. I didn't want to ask him to give it up, and I knew that if he stayed with it the time demands would continue. I had a life coach for awhile that introduced a simple phrase:

This isn't working for me.

This isn't a selfish phrase. In full it went something like this, "I love that you have a job that you love, and I want to support you in every way possible, but always having you gone, and me not having support at home to get things done or have breaks isn't working for me." It is a problem-solving phrase, an invitation to seek solutions. Solutions that came out of these conversations over the years were a cleaning lady, a babysitter two afternoons a week so I could have a break, finding a handyman to come once a month, babysitting trades for date night, etc.

I love this phrase because it takes out finger pointing. It wasn't Geoff's fault for not getting the list done, and it wasn't my fault for always having a list. It just WAS. So what do we do about it? Of course, it really helps that we genuinely wanted each other to be happy and supported. Paying for outside help was a sacrifice, and it was worth the sacrifice so that both of us felt supported (as much as possible) in any given situation.

We've only used this a handful of times over the years, but it has been amazingly helpful each time.

October Wrap-Up

I haven't been posting for two reasons. First, it has been an uneventful month. Plenty has been going on, but nothing to post about. Second, I've been working on turning old posts into books (this is an insane amount of work the way I'm doing it) and I'm not super excited about creating more work for myself unnecessarily!

One thing that DID go on in October was FALL. It was a long and beautiful fall, and we got out to enjoy it often. I didn't get too many pictures, other than a trip to Stewart Falls with Emily and Bailey and a walk up Memory Grove with Adele.

Halloween snuck up on us this year. I'm grateful to be out of the insanely busy Halloween season with little kids. Now I just love seeing what they come up with at the last minute. Adele and her friends all dressed up as each other. Adele was Sami and Sami was Adele. Only the very observant noticed.

She and her friend Alexa went to Provo to a Halloween party with Tennie and she came out as a friar. 

Ceci wasn't sure what the dressing up would be at her high school so she took a quick idea from Adele's school costume, grabbed a name tag and went to school as "Shane". I love that girl's humor! And then she met up with friends for evening trick-or-treating and fun and went as a good ol' fashion ghost.

How is that for a speedy quick wrap-up?

Marriage - Part 5

A few years into our marriage, during one of our retreats, we did an exercise that was very insightful. Based on the concept of Love Languages, we each wrote down five ways we showed love to the other person and five ways we received love from the other person. I specifically remember writing down that the way I showed love was preparing a homemade family dinner, having the house tidy and a candle burning. Nothing related to that was on Geoff's list of how he received love. I was aghast that all of those nights I put in the effort to show him love and he didn't even notice (although appreciative)! There were a few of those on both of our lists.

The beautiful thing is that I now knew that if I wanted to put in the effort to make dinner and have a tidy house with a candle burning, it was for me, not for Geoff. I could then put my efforts into doing things that Geoff would receive as my effort to show love, like holding his hand more (something that would not naturally occur to me!) And vise versa, Geoff could clean up the dinner dishes or tidy the living room and know how much love I received!

Some people in marriage feel like they give, give and give and get nothing in return, and I think this is why...we just are giving the wrong things!

We did this the following year and interestingly our lists we far more spot on. We had acted on what we learned the year before, and we've never really had to do it again. I know what Geoff wants and needs and he knows what I want and need.

We've explored this with our girls too, with great success.

Learn your spouse's Love Language, and then speak it!

Marriage - Part 4

As soon as we had our first baby we committed to weekly date nights. Neither of us wanted a deadline at the end of a Saturday, so Friday nights are our night out...still.

I'll admit that for most of our married life we've been pretty fried at the end of our busy weeks, and we LOVE movies, so most of our dates are spent at a theater or on the couch staring at a screen. We have always known this was pretty boring. Sometimes we come up with ideas like playing pickle ball or going rollerblading or going to the symphony, but usually movies win out.



In Redmond we organized a monthly friend's dinner and would meet at different, unique restaurants around Seattle. Six to eight couples were on the invite list, and sometimes all would come, sometimes just 2-3 couples would be available. It was always fun. Our life path sort of isolated us for several years, and we don't really have a lot of couple friends these days. Maybe we'll try to rekindle some old friendships in the future.

Date nights are a priority because our relationship is the number one priority. It is easy for kids or work or LIFE to creep in and get between a husband and wife. It is always nice to step outside of one's world and be with one's best friend. Geoff and I love to be together, even if we aren't doing anything in particular. Sometimes we can talk for hours; sometimes we don't have much to say at all.

The important thing is TIME for and with each other.

Along these same lines, we try to go on weekend retreats once a year. This has been inconsistent for the most part, but every time we do them we love it. Early on these retreats were to discuss things we never had a chance to discuss because of the craziness of small children or an demanding work schedule, things like our marriage, how each child was doing, short and long-term goals, a budget, etc. Sometimes it was at a nearby hotel, sometimes a cabin in the mountains or a room overlooking the beach. We both loved these long days together.

In more recent times we don't feel like the retreats need to be so productive, so we'll hike or window shop or go to museums and take our time eating out. And of course we watch movies...

A few times we've taken trips together. Those are great memories, but overall we both have preferred to use the money and time away for family adventures while we have kids at home.

While we love to be together, watch movies and prioritize each other, we both recognize that we have a LOT more time together coming in the next few years when our nest is empty. That is a phase we've been talking about and are going to prepare for, as I've mentioned before. Life is constantly changing and we've tried to adapt and reevaluate things as we go along. It is a work in progress!

Marriage - Part 3

With a strong communication framework in place and getting some good use, we got married full of hope and with strong commitment to make our marriage work.

On the first night of our honeymoon we made a decision that every night before going to bed we would express three things we appreciated about the other person. Often it was things the person did throughout the day, other times is was a characteristic we loved in the other person.

This was powerful in three ways:

We looked for and noticed nice things the other person did all day every day.

We lived in a place of gratitude toward the other person.

We made emotional deposits every day, which made it less harmful when we had to bring up something hard. The love was secure; we could handle hearing something negative once in awhile.

We called this "Appreciates".

We did Appreciates every single night for years.

After having three small children, with Geoff traveling almost constantly, and living in Redmond, Washington where the skies were gray, and I struggled with chronic cabin fever, saying, "Thank you for making dinner tonight" just didn't cut it, and I told Geoff so. I told him it needed to sound something like this, "Thank you for making dinner when you haven't had a physical or mental break all day, and thank you for persisting with dinner when you had to stop 10 times because of whining or screaming children and when the house is a mess...." Yeah, I was requiring a LOT more appreciation during those years.

Eventually our appreciates before bed fizzled out, but the habit was largely still there, and we still express a lot of appreciation to each other to this day.

Looking for all the other is doing right and expressing appreciation...it works!

Marriage - Part 2

When Geoff and I were engaged, we had a good friend who was in graduate school to become a marriage and family therapist. As part of an assignment, she had to film herself giving a session of marriage counseling based on an approach called Imago, and we agreed to be her "couple". The following day she called and said the recording hadn't worked and could we do it again. We agreed and had the next session. Little did we know, those two sessions of Imago therapy would set the foundation for our successful marriage!

In the first session, she taught us a framework for effective communication. The basic idea goes something like this:

Wife: It really hurt my feelings when you XYZ.

Husband: I made you feel bad when I XYZ? (Repeats back what was heard.)

Wife: Yeah, and then you said XYZ to so and so and I felt so dumb.

Husband: So it made you feel dumb when I told so and so that XYZ?

NOTE: Sometimes when repeating back, an important emphasis or detail is missed, and in that case the wife would have a chance to clarify what she meant, or sometimes she might add to it. The husband would then repeat back the new information.

Wife: Yeah, I felt dumb.

Husband: Is there anything else?

Wife: No, that is all.

Husband: I'm really sorry I made you feel bad, and that you felt dumb. Knowing that you (fill in), it makes sense that you felt bad, and knowing how much you care about (fill in), it makes sense that what I said to so and so made you feel dumb. I'm really sorry.

Basically, in this last part, the husband is validating what the wife said, and how he understands specifically why she is upset/hurt.

It is really a simple formula. Sometimes it can take hours to listen to everything and repeat it back. It requires patience and commitment and love. Sometimes you both have emotions you want to express and it is difficult to put one's own emotions aside to really hear and understand the other person. It is hard work, and totally worth it.

The second session was an application of these communication tools. She had us identify a person in our childhood that let us down. I had a clear person, but Geoff had more of a family dynamic. Both worked.

I went first. I was to act as if I was Little Darcie, and Geoff was to act as the person who had let me down. I expressed myself as Little Darcie. I let all of my emotion out as Geoff repeated back everything I said to make sure he understood. I was crying as I let all the hurt and longing of my childhood out. In the end Geoff validated me (still acting as if he was the one who hurt me.) It was so powerful and healing, feeling like I could express my childhood sadness and have it heard and validated. In the process, Geoff was able to identify some vulnerable spots for me. He was counseled to be very careful and protective of those vulnerable areas.

Geoff then had a turn and we went through the same powerful process. We were able to learn important things about each other. We both felt we could move on from some pretty big heartaches and disappointments.

Every person grows up having certain parts of themselves nurtured and developed from childhood, but because of the imperfection of parents and families, every person has a few "holes", areas in which they aren't yet whole. Ideally we marry someone who can provide for us in those areas where we aren't yet whole. Then over time we become whole, if that makes sense.

Throughout the first years of our marriage we used this framework of communication. Sometimes I'll admit it was very laborious, especially when something came up late at night! But we stuck with it and persisted. After awhile the things we had to discuss in such a thorough way became less and less, and it became easier for us to just understand and hear each other without the process.

Our communication is one of our greatest strengths, hands down.

Learn and use good communication tools!

(There is a book, which we've only heard about, with exercises for couples in the Imago technique called, Getting the Love You Want, if you're interested.)

Marriage - Part 1

One of the things I would like to do while I have the time and space is record some of the things Geoff and I have done to build a strong marriage. A successful part of my dad's professional career was interviewing top real estate agents around the country, uncovering their secrets to success, and then selling the information. It was wildly popular and helped thousands of people improve their businesses. Wouldn't it be nice if people with really successful marriages shared a few of their secrets to success? So I'll write some posts over the next month, since we're wrapping up our twentieth year of marriage!

Sometimes I marvel that Geoff and I have such a solid relationship. Here's why:

Geoff is endlessly optimistic. I am a "realist" (he calls this a pessimist).

Part of that optimism is how much he thinks he can do in a certain amount of time, and therefore he is (most often) late. I am overwhelmingly punctual. I can predict how much time things will take down to a minute.

I like structure and a plan. Geoff is flexible and spontaneous.

I am really good at details, and they are important to me. Geoff is a big picture visionary; anything is possible.

I am very practical. Simple is best. Geoff is always looking for how to make things the best they can be, which often requires more work, time, thought, and trial and error.

When on a hike or walking through a museum, or just about everything else in between, I like to keep moving at a pretty brisk pace. Geoff likes to stop and absorb what he is seeing and/or doing.

Geoff is freezing all day, wearing layers of clothing except for the summer months, then he is boiling at night. I am warm in the day and cool at night.

I'm a clean-as-you-go person. Geoff is a make-a-huge-mess-and-clean-up-after person.

I need a good amount of alone time. Geoff loves to be with people all the time.

(Just to name a few...)

You might think of the old saying that opposites attract, and that may be true, but these levels of opposite preferences and personality traits could break a marriage. They aren't easy on many different levels! But there is an overarching idea that makes it work. It is probably the number one thing that has seen us through a lot of ups and downs over the years:

Imagine God at the top of a triangle, and Geoff and I are at each of the other points. As we both work to grow closer to God, we naturally grow closer together.

Geoff and I are both deeply devoted to God. We are both trying to draw closer to Him and be like Him. Our efforts are imperfect and we have a lot of imperfect moments, but overall it is fundamental to our success. It probably sounds too simple, or maybe unrealistic to some people, if the devotion to God is uneven or one-sided, but if one's self is focused on improving themselves, on personally drawing closer to God, that will make a positive difference in the overall marriage. Of that I am certain.

Now What?

There are many things a mother doesn't know before getting herself into the whole, lifetime-commitment-of-loving-human-beings-more-than-yourself business, many of which are better to find out after the fact or you might just be to scared to make the leap! Then there are the endangered breed who choose to stay home and do the motherhood thing as a full-time career: carpools, classroom volunteers, team moms, cheerleader, teacher, nurse, psychologist, cook, cleaner, project manager, neighborhood gatherer and popsicle provider, party thrower, tutor, costume designer, wilderness explorer, etc. Of course, working moms try their hand at all of these things too, but the difference is that they keep a part of themselves separate. That separate self continues to grow and develop in its identity.

I don't regret staying home or getting a little more intense and homeschooling my kids. Those are magical, treasured years. I know my little humans deeply and I'm grateful for the ways we've grown and learned together. I'll admit they are the hardest years, but they are the most meaningful too. But I'm in a stage now that I never anticipated, no one pre-warned me, and no one really talks about.

Now what?

What happens when the kids grow up? What happens when they are independent and go to school all day? Then what? I guess I subconsciously thought I would always just continue being an engaged mother, but I didn't realize I would have so much time. I didn't realize I would feel a big void.

As children grow and become adults the parenting role totally shifts. One goes from being the lead role to a supporting role, maybe sometimes even just en extra in the background, not contributing much to the scene at all. That deep, rewarding sense of being so needed sort of fades out, not completely, but almost. I mean, that is the goal, right? To raise independent and self-reliant adults. Bravo! But then the mother who sacrificed all, stands alone, watching her dear children march off into the wide future, somewhat stripped of self and identity. It feels a little raw and vulnerable. Who am I now? What do I like to do? What am I interested in doing with my time? What do I care about?

Strangely, a full-time mother has gained all kinds of skills, capabilities and adaptability, yet I admit I feel a bit inadequate at pursuing a real job. And what job would be flexible and as engaging and as interesting as raising humans? I don't really want to be bound by a set schedule. And how can I find something that will fulfill me in the same way? To just go get any ol' job feels like a demotion. I mean, no one could pay enough to compensate a good mother, and then her next job pays eight bucks an hour?

Geoff has been extremely supportive of me taking a few years to rediscover myself. As I've mentioned before, I've been working on different projects I've wanted to get to, one big, time consuming one being my blog into books. That is actually a positive review and closure to a chapter in my life that is winding down. I'm also still involved enough in my children's lives that I don't want to be unavailable, yet. So now is a good time for me to take time. I read books and go on hikes with friends and go to yoga. I organize closets and drawers and work on family history. I still value keeping life moving at a good pace for everyone in the household, to keep things organized and nourishing and peaceful.

Geoff and I are exploring things we can do together as our time together increases. We've taken up road biking, with the intention of working up to road biking tours. I used to be super active, and I'm trying to experience that again. It is getting easier as time goes on, and I'm starting to have fun doing it.

We're looking into cooking more together, or maybe starting some friend dinner or book clubs. We've been so focused on family (and health) for the past ten years that much of our social lives have atrophied. What are ways we can nurture that aspect of our lives back into a good balance?

I'm realizing this is a process, and maybe a long one, but I'm grateful to be on my way and exploring the possibilities of my next chapter.

Fall Beauty!

We have had the most beautiful fall weather and color change so far! Friday night we picked up Tennie at the train station and went to Sundance to ride the lift to the top, hike around and eat dinner. Leaves were just starting to change, but there were areas bursting with color. It was beautiful.

We then settled in for a long weekend of General Conference where we heard from our prophet and the twelve apostles and other church leaders. That was beautiful too!

Growing Up Nowadays

We have three teenagers. All of them grew up with a pretty idyllic and protected childhood full of play, imagination, creativity and a lot of outdoor space. All three have always had individual inclinations, spirit, will and strength. Geoff and I often marveled at their childhood selves, wondering who in the world they were and who they would become. There was a certain force and power in their small beings, nothing dull or mediocre. As we pass through these teenage years, I feel their first big hurdle will be navigating this phase of life.

Why is it that teenage anxiety and suicide are at an all-time high, with many debilitated at 8-9 years old?
Is it a general rise in screen time, with its brain changing elements just from looking at the darn things?
Is it a lack of time outdoors feeling free and alive?
Is it social media and the comparisons to the ideal life, style, friends, travel, body, etc.?
Is it trying to portray who you wish you were instead of who you really are and losing touch with our basic, fundamental identity?
Is it the addictive nature of social media, video games, etc. that eat away the opportunity to create real self-worth through accomplishment?
Is it exposure to all of the evil in the world too young?
Is it the pressure to get into college with more and more stuffed into their heads (plus all being digested on social media) and less time to be creative and in their bodies? Or the pressure to be a superstar human or you won't get in to college at all?
Is it the confusion of gender and marriage and religion and politics and racism and privilege and sexual assault and the state of the planet ?
Is it the hate and anger now commonplace in the public square?
Is it worrying that any day someone could bust into your school and open fire?
Why do many youth not have enough grit to do hard things? Are they getting away with not doing hard things? For example, do we fill their summers with travel and camps and family gatherings and as a result there is not time for a summer, full-time job? Day in day out hard and sometimes mundane work?
Is the pace of life just too fast to keep up? Is life just too overwhelming?

I mean, this is just my observation, I'm sure there are many other hidden (and not so hidden) forces against these young people. Can you imagine? This is not like my adolescence. In most ways, I do not really relate to their reality. And they don't really remember a time when it wasn't like this, a time without being bombarded by conflicting input, a civil time, a calmer time. I used my first computer to write a paper in college at age 23. That is just how much has changed in the last 20ish years. I have to hand it to the kids of this age. They are brave and strong.

Let's talk about the climate march.

Our girls know a lot of the facts and realities of global warming. We've upped our personal, family game in trying to be more environmentally conscientious, but recognize it is really the big businesses and government leadership that will make the greatest changes. But they want action, they want to live life on this beautiful planet without devastating famines and natural disasters, and they want predictable weather and sea life and clean air and water to drink out of the tap. I admire the determination to bring attention to such a serious and urgent issue.

It is just one of many weights they carry. And yes they don't have a lifetime of experience and judgement, but they know a heckuva lot more than we did at their age. They have a lot to say and their voices are worth being heard. It might just make us think more deeply about things we've put on auto pilot. It has been a privilege, albeit a sometimes hair-raising one, to watch these three grow into themselves. They are capable to chart a different course than we've had to travel. I've learned a lot from their concerns and observations and opinions.

One thing is for sure, they need our confidence and support and encouragement and respect. These years of development are tough enough on their own, but this generation has a heavy load we didn't have to bear. I say, cheer them on!

September Wrap-Up

Where in the world did September go? I barely remember acknowledging it's presence.

Geoff took two separate trips to New York for some investor meetings, to speak at a conference and for a YGL event. We had a two-week, late 20th anniversary trip to Amsterdam and Rome planned, but when Geoff got home from these trips and anticipated the weeks of travel, followed by more weeks of work travel, we decided to cancel our anniversary trip just a few days before departure to try to lighten his fall work load. Strangely, it was a relief to not be going and we quickly moved on. For the first time in a long time, Geoff is spending quality time in the office and feeling productive. That has been nice.

He attended a management retreat for work, which is really quite fun. Despite SNOW, he joined a group to hike one morning. I was sad to miss it, but so glad I was able to celebrate Ceci's birthday at home.

He has wanted to climb a mountain for his birthday for several years, and for one reason or another hasn't had the time to get in shape or been able to find a free Saturday around his birthday. But this year he threw training to the wind and just went and climbed Mt. Olympus. He paid the price with sore muscles for days, but he did it! Climb a mountain for birthday - CHECK!

Tennie held a housewarming party at her new student house in Provo where a handful of friends came. That led to more social invitations and friends, concerts, campouts, parties and bike rides. Her social floodgates have finally opened at BYU! That first year was tough for her. The dorms weren't her scene, but she has found her people and place. She also got a job as a stage hand and usher at the Harris Fine Arts Center on campus. Life is full and good in Provo!

School is well underway and mostly we're in comfortable rhythms. Adele is insanely busy and generally stressed out. She moves in and out of the house, living her own life and working to manage a lot of spinning plates. SAT testing and college applications are looming too. She'll be glad to get past those in the next couple months.

Ceci decided to take math online so she could work at her own pace, but we discovered that the math instruction for this online course was quite poor and moved very fast. We were having a difficult time finding a tutor, and in the meantime she and I were spending at least 2 hours a day trying to figure out the concepts and work through the assignments. It was a pathetic sight. I mean, me as her math tutor/teacher in high school?! Laughable. Basically, it felt like we ate, breathed, and slept math during the entire month of September. Starting in October we have her in a math class in school. This will require some catching up in the new class and wrapping up in the online class, but we're hoping for some smoother sailing in our near future.

A hummingbird flew in our open window and eventually got itself stuck in between our two window panes. After about 20 minutes, Geoff lifted it out carefully with two chopsticks. We took it outside where it sat, traumatized, for about 45 minutes. (We kept Mila indoors!) Geoff tried to feed it some sugar water, but it didn't move. It was so beautiful and so TINY!

We gathered with Geoff's siblings for a picnic in the canyon one weekend.

This past weekend Geoff, Adele, Ceci and I went to St. George so I could attend my 30th high school reunion, the first I've been to. I was so excited to see people after all of these years! It was so fun to catch up with long lost friends and find out where life had taken them. Not many were there, but I'm so glad I went. This is a great group of people.

Geoff and I went on a bike through Snow Canyon, which is so incredibly beautiful. I lost some of the pictures I took somehow, darnit!

On to cooler weather, changing leaves, pumpkins and warm tea!

Geoff is 48!

Geoff's birthday was before Ceci's, but it was so uneventful I wasn't even going to give it its own post. He had a busy day at work and didn't get home until 8PM, all of us gathering to eat his cold blackberry cobbler before scriptures and bed. But his family always rallies with some birthday love, and it is worth recording and remembering, so here are the things people love about Geoff:

Brittany
Happy happy happy birthday Geoff!!!! I admire you on so many levels. For your absolute love and devotion to your family, for always putting others needs and well-being above your own, for your fun adventurous spirit, for your active interest in others lives, for your hard work and dedication towards helping those less fortunate, for all you've accomplished, for your sense of style, for the way you treat everyone you meet, for your connection to Heavenly Father and our Savior, for the peace you carry and instill in others. I'm so proud to be your sister and I love you!!

Nikki
Happy happy birthday, G! You're dang old, but still got it! For real, though, I love how young at heart you are, how much fun you are, how you love adventure and being a nutball with kids and just living life to the fullest! Your dedication to constantly improving yourself is very admirable. Your sensitivity to the feelings of others and constant striving to terat people like the Savior would is equally as admirable. I love your thirst for knowledge and passion for empowering others. And your'e an amazing dad, husband, brother and friend. Have a great day and a phenomenal time in Europe!

Erica
Happy happy birthday Geoff! A common conversation in our house lately has been about you and how you have channeled your deep love for teasing into something that is so incredibly fun to be around. You are really amazing at self-mastery and changing in really deliberate and positive ways. We hope that some of our little teasers can grow up to be as kind, thoughtful and fun as you! Love you! Happy Birthday!

Ian
Hope your day is awesome, G! I have learned a lot from you--both actual information from talking with you and how to be a better person from being around you and seeing your example. You strike a perfect balance of being smart, considerate, adventurous, thoughtful, in tune with the Spirit, ambitious, empathetic, light-hearted and fully engaged! Love ya, man!

His dad
Geoff, I'm very glad you were born, especially as the first of the Mesha and Keenan issue. I'm gratified that you've repeatedly demonstrated over the your lifetime and intense desire to serve every mission you were sent here to perform! Happy Birthday! I love you.  It's wonderful to watch those missions unfold.

Ingrid
Happy birthday, Geoff!!! I love reading all the great things everyone has said about you. You are an incredible person-you are kind and sensitive; you seek to understand; you are introspective and self-improving; you live life fully and enjoy the present moment;  you have great ambitions and hopes for the future; you soak in the sunset and the ocean and the sun-warmth and the natural beauty around you; you are a delightful and playful uncle for all the cousins; you are a protector and cheerleader for all of us. I love you tons, and if I were with you today, I would let you shoot a spit-wad into my ear. Happy Birthday!!!

Emily
Happy Birthday Geoff! You are a truly remarkable person and older brother. You always make me feel like a million bucks. You are humble and kind and generous. I sure love you.

Booch
Happy birthday Geoff!! I still cry like I did when you left for your mission every time I have to leave you because that's how much you mean to me and how much I love you! I seriously have looked up to and respected you so incredibly much my entire life, and I think on a consistent basis about how you would approve of different decisions that I make in my life. You lead with so much integrity, thoughtfulness, love, service, intent and humility. It has been such an honor to witness you develop your fabric as a human being that's constantly refining, learning, growing, sacrificing, purifying, and rinsing and repeating these processes until the greatest core of a man is developed. I vividly remember many moments when you could have gotten made in a situation and that I was able to watch you go through your process that was clearly prepared for that moment to change your order of thinking into how you wanted yourself to respond in a positive manner and treat the moment as a learning experience. This was very inspiring for me to witness and it proved how much self development you put into your character. This character has led to making an astonishing impact in the world, your amazing family and our entire family as a whole. I absolutely love hanging out with you and just spending time and I'll never forget our amazing trips that we have taken together. I love your sense of humor and the way you tease us as mentioned. I love your soul. I love your heart and desire to do so much good. I love your effortless leadership. I love your love of adventure and up-for-a-good-time personality. I love your passion for life and I love that I get to call you my brother for eternity. I love you always man! Happiest of birthdays!!

And a written-in email from Tennie to read as we all verbally said what we love about him (I'm so glad we have this in writing, as it captures a bit of Geoff's devotion and sacrifice and love as a dad.)

I love how sensitive dad is to people. He’s sensitive in a way that feels truly empathetic. Across every aspect of his life, and since he was young, dad feels and recognizes other people’s struggles and then will do whatever he can to fix it. Professionally, dad has dedicated his whole life to helping people. He cares about every single person he helps and he wants - on an individual level - for every person to have a good and happy life. And so he’s given so many things away to people on the street. He’s bought huge meals for people who can’t afford their own. I remember a few times he even gave away clothes he was wearing (and clothes he really loved) to people, and I know he wishes he could do that more often. And then with us, and with me specifically, dad has always sacrificed comfort, time, sleep, food, health, and other things that are really valuable to him, for me. I can specifically remember multiple times when dad sat with me at the kitchen table working on an essay or a math problem, both of our eyes drooping, both of us watching forlornly as the oven clock ticked onward towards midnight. I always told him he could go to bed, and he always smiled a tired, loving smile (and I can see it in my head, and will be able to see it forever!) and told me he hoped I would remember this. There have to have been at least a few hundred times I or one of my sisters wanted a muffin or fruit or something dad was eating or saving, and as soon as he caught wind that one of us wanted it, he gave whatever it was to us, no matter how much he wanted it. No matter if it was rationed, and we had already eaten our ration, and he hadn’t. And almost every time I call dad, he answers and says he’s in a meeting but that he can talk for a second.

I can’t really fathom the mind-blowing selflessness he has. He’s so fiercely and sincerely loving and determinedly, quietly, humbly, selfless. I hope I can be more like that when I grow up. I really want to be as selfless and caring and empathetic and thoughtful as dad is. He makes me feel so safe. I can’t imagine getting any more lucky in the dad department. 

Happy birthday to a human who’s gotta be just about as good as they come.

Snapshot of Ceci - Part 2

Here are what Geoff's family members said of Ceci on her birthday (all over text)...

Brittany
Happy happy happy birthday to my darling Ceci! Ce, you are a contagious light that offers goodness everywhere you go and to everyone you see. I admire your care for the world around you, your sensitive spirit, your incredible smile and laugh, your show-stopping dance moves and overall I'm grateful to have a friend like you! Your'e a real gem, Ce. Happy freakin' birthday!

Erica
Happy Birthday Cecer!!!!!! I love how true you are to yourself and how cool that inner self is. You are purely good and kind and thoughtful, and also a riot and totally creative and end less fun for everyone around you. I love you tons.

Nikki
Happy birthday Ce-bo-bee!! I love your amazingly spunky and fun personality, your fearless attitude, your willingness to try anything, your ability to conquer/rock at everything you try, your easy-going way of doing life, your brilliant mind, your giant heart, and your strong work ethic. Love you so much and hope you have a phenomenal day!!!

Ingrid
Happy birthday, little C!!! You are such a treasure of a person. You are fierce and determined and full of strenth; you are smart and wise; you are crazy and spunky and full of beautiful Ceci-ness. I love you to pieces, and am so grateful to be related to you forever!!!

Lucie (age 8)
Happy b-day Ceci! I'm so glad you're my cousin! You are so nice to everyone! You make everything so fun! Love Lucie

Poppop
Ceci!!! Life of the party! Dancing queen. Actress extraordinaire. Natalie to those who know...(an acting job she was in)...you're a right maniac when it's time to be! Happy birthday, your wonderful person! I love you!

Emily
Happy birthday sweet C. You're hilarious. And strong and brave and valiant. And beautiful and creative and just a knock out human bean 😛. You bring any costume box to life. It's hard not to smile when you are around. Keeping being you, just 15! Love ya!

Ian
C, you are amazing. One of a kind. So hilarious and full of character. And also smart and considerate and energetic and creative. You connect with people on a deep level. Your love of life is contagious. We need to do another road trip! Happy Birthday, girl!

Christian
Ce to the ci! I absolutely adore you in so many ways! You are so stinking hilarious and my face hurts right now just thinking about how much I laugh when I'm around you. Your heart is so incredibly huge and you care deeply for all of those around you and for all of those that you bring into your circle. You effortlessly light up a room with your dynamic personality and charismatic self. You are beautiful inside and out. You carry a valiant and radiant light. You have an admirable passion for life. You have an unmatched love of adventure. Your love of family makes me grateful I'm in it! Your ambitions and dreams are commendable and will be met as they are followed with a disciplined and focused approach toward what you want out of life. I'm so excited to watch you flourish and grow in life and obtain everything that your heart desires. I love being around you and that you laugh at my silly voices and jokes. I love that I get to be with you forever and I can't wait to see you to celebrate YOU. Happy happy birthday!!

How is that tradition for making a birthday? Ceci is one of a kind. And a good kind!

Snapshot of Ceci - Part 1

How does one capture Ceci? She is a force and a light. That's it in a nutshell. But I'll try to delve deeper, particularly into her 15-year-old self.

Ceci is energy and sunlight and goodness wrapped up into a human being. She is one of the most generous-of-self people I have ever met. She is gifted at sensing what people need around her, and she is more than willing to give it. She'll include the outsider, she'll encourage and cheer on the doubtful and fearful, she'll listen to the down and out, she'll pass up something she wants and give you her savings, she'll massage tired feet, she'll walk with you if it will help fill your dreams/goals...you get the idea. She is a builder and cheerleader and a loyal friend.

Over the summer when we went to the Olympic Park and I challenged myself to face my fear of heights by doing the ropes course, I knew that I was doing something big for myself. It took all of my courage. Ceci intuitively understood how big it was for me. She watched me intently and cheered me on. When I finished she looked me in the eye, deep into my own soul, and understood the personal victory I had just accomplished. She kept saying, "Good job, mom!" It wasn't a trite congratulations, she was very sincere. This is a small example of her deep loyalty, friendship and goodness.

Ceci is affectionate and loves to cuddle on the couch or hold hands or express her love in anyway possible through her physical touch. She receives love in this way too. She also receives love in doing fun things together. It is not uncommon for her to say, as she is heading out the door to school, "Mom, want to hang out and do something with me today?"

She is not demanding or high maintenance. At all. You give something (whether gifts, time, compliments, etc.) and Ceci is very grateful. She is easy to celebrate, she is easy to be with and she is easy to please. While she has a particular style, she isn't really into clothes or shopping. While she appreciates good food, she'll be happy if it is a quesadilla for dinner. While she has an opinion of what she would like to do on a trip, she'll be flexible with the plans, often foregoing what she wants. As a family we have to be aware of this, and Ceci is learning that this flexibility and generosity-of-self can be taken advantage of. It will be good for her to learn boundaries to care for herself, but isn't it beautiful to err on the side of giving too much?

Ceci is her own person. She doesn't like to go along with a crowd. She protects her individuality carefully. Now that she is in a large public school she is aware that if not careful she can become numbed to her own voice and passions. She doesn't want to be typical. She knows deep down that she is unique and powerful. She is fighting to not be dimmed by a conformist culture. She thinks deeply. She is a quick thinker and processes information rapidly, but she is also on-guard, knowing that all information coming in is not truth. I really appreciate her constant radar. Her desire to seek truth is admirable, and the ability to not conform while doing it shows great courage and strength. For example, she wears pants to church. She recognizes this as a cultural expectation, and not a sign of discipleship. She is more comfortable in pants. She feels it allows her to worship more as herself. She is courageous, true and strong.

She is smart. She doesn't think like the average person, which causes some challenge in a typical, public school classroom, but she is wonderfully creative and imaginative. Her writing is magnificent. She is a strong problem solver. She is discovering this semester that she loves Earth Science. She loves nature, astronomy, plants, animals, mental puzzles, art and anything to do with being in her body. Her three choices of future paths right now are working at NASA (do you have to be good at math to be an astronaut?), being a creative writer of fiction, or being an actress. Like, a red carpet actress. This last one is her big dream right now. She wants to be in a movie. And she could be! She is really talented at acting. She is so observant and imaginative that she can get into any character and nail it. Her childhood play was delightful because of it.

Ceci is athletic and fearless when it comes to trying new things. When learning to surf she would go out again and again until she got the hang of it. She went on a black diamond run the first time skiing. (Her competitiveness helps in this. She wants to be the best of whatever she does.) Her next focus is rock climbing. She is joining a team to fine tune her skills and work toward a competitive team. But from climb one she was strong and focused and scaled easily from level to harder level. She has a lot of drive and determination. Again, being in her body is one of her favorite things. She is definitely body smart!

Ceci is incredibly gifted with people. She talks easily to adults, she makes friends easily and kids are attracted to her good naturedness and fun. She is genuinely interested in people of all ages. She is a good conversationalist. She is a natural leader. People can trust her goodness, her integrity and all the while know they'll have a great time if she is around. She is fun and crazy and hilarious. She is likable from day one.

None of our kids have been excited to grow up, and Ceci is no exception. She is a kid at heart. She loves to play and be free, but growing up is happening, and she's adapting and becoming just as remarkable as a young adult as she has been as a child. A force and a light.

( Flats photo credit: Tennie's friend Lindsay, 2018)

Ceci is 15!

Ceci's birthday was squished in with a lot of other goings on this year. Geoff's company had their annual management retreat where employees and their spouses spend three days in Park City, and C's birthday fell right in the middle. Geoff felt obligated to be there this year, so I didn't join him, and he came home for a couple hours in the afternoon when he could get away.

And then Ceci woke up really sick with a fever and no energy. Super big bummer for all she had planned that day. But she wasn't about to miss out on her plans. Tennie had come home the night before, and after a birthday breakfast of crepes with strawberries, cream and nutella (Ceci's choice), the three of them were off on the climate march. I'll write more about this later, but it was really fun to follow along and see the commitment of this generation to call attention to this issue. It was rainy and chilly and Ceci dragged herself along, but she marched for this beautiful earth and her future despite her feeling horrible.

She came home, crawled in her bed and shivered in her covers for a couple hours, and then was off with Tennie and Adele and five of her new school friends to an escape room birthday adventure. It was on Groupon and turned out to be such a terrible experience that is was full of outrageous stories, so luckily that was memorable which made it sort of funnish. All came back for pizza and a movie afterward.

We didn't even get to her presents. The following day we had her treasure hunt and she got her one big present from us, as well as cards and gifts from family. Her big gift from us was an electric drum set! Yes, they make them electric so she can hear it with headphones. Perfect for our apartment living!

So this didn't go down as one of the most perfect birthdays, but it was a good birthday despite the not perfect parts. Ceci was grateful and made the most of it. Very typical of this remarkable 15-year-old.