Marriage - Part 7

It is often helpful to have a phrase that means something to both people. "This isn't working for me", that I mentioned in my last marriage post, signifies we're moving into a problem-solving mode. We both know it; all brainstorming is welcome and encouraged. We have another phrase:

Can I make a request?

You know those things in home life that are just annoying? Someone leaves the cupboard doors open, the sponge doesn't get rinsed out, wet towels are left on the floor, and the list goes on. The crazy thing about these types of annoyances is that they are only annoying to some people. I may not even notice that what I'm doing is bothersome to Geoff, or vice versa. Of course, there are some things you just ignore, accommodate, or embrace, but some things are really irksome. Instead of resentment building or resorting to nagging, we just say, "Can I make a request?" We both know that the other is going to recommend a change in behavior when we hear that phrase. "Would you mind cleaning off the table after you work there? A clean table is visually important for me." To the one receiving the request, it may seem silly to care so much about something, or it may seem hard to change the habit, but LOVE is the motivation. If I know Geoff is really bothered by something, even if I don't think it is a big deal, I want to work on changing the behavior. It might take me awhile to remember, but if he occasionally reminds me I am thankful for the nudges toward change.

Good communication requires selflessness, humility, fairness and kindness. It demands respectfulness and oneness.

To finish off this marriage series, I am going to share a mentality, or perspective, that kind of ties all of these posts together. Geoff and I consider ourselves a team. Team Davis. It isn't about Geoff and it isn't about me, it is about us. We are always looking out for the team. Neither of us would knowingly hurt each other, take from the other, or seek to only build up our own interests. Sometimes one team member needs all support, and in that case the other rallies. With Geoff's illness and my depression, we both have had times of life revolving around our needs. It isn't easy.

I remember one time in France when Geoff was very sick I was readying the trash to take to the street 122 stairs up, a daily task. Geoff was laying on the couch. He said something like, "Darcie, I so badly want to take the trash out. Please know I am so grateful you are carrying all the load right now. I'm not going to get used to this. I WILL take out the trash again when I can."

If a person on the team is out, for whatever reason, the other takes up the slack without resentment (done through communication). A team is unified in purpose. They work to get better. They watch out for each other's wellbeing. Being a good team member requires the same qualities as good communication: selflessness, humility, fairness, kindness, respect and oneness.

Be a team.