Growing Up Nowadays

We have three teenagers. All of them grew up with a pretty idyllic and protected childhood full of play, imagination, creativity and a lot of outdoor space. All three have always had individual inclinations, spirit, will and strength. Geoff and I often marveled at their childhood selves, wondering who in the world they were and who they would become. There was a certain force and power in their small beings, nothing dull or mediocre. As we pass through these teenage years, I feel their first big hurdle will be navigating this phase of life.

Why is it that teenage anxiety and suicide are at an all-time high, with many debilitated at 8-9 years old?
Is it a general rise in screen time, with its brain changing elements just from looking at the darn things?
Is it a lack of time outdoors feeling free and alive?
Is it social media and the comparisons to the ideal life, style, friends, travel, body, etc.?
Is it trying to portray who you wish you were instead of who you really are and losing touch with our basic, fundamental identity?
Is it the addictive nature of social media, video games, etc. that eat away the opportunity to create real self-worth through accomplishment?
Is it exposure to all of the evil in the world too young?
Is it the pressure to get into college with more and more stuffed into their heads (plus all being digested on social media) and less time to be creative and in their bodies? Or the pressure to be a superstar human or you won't get in to college at all?
Is it the confusion of gender and marriage and religion and politics and racism and privilege and sexual assault and the state of the planet ?
Is it the hate and anger now commonplace in the public square?
Is it worrying that any day someone could bust into your school and open fire?
Why do many youth not have enough grit to do hard things? Are they getting away with not doing hard things? For example, do we fill their summers with travel and camps and family gatherings and as a result there is not time for a summer, full-time job? Day in day out hard and sometimes mundane work?
Is the pace of life just too fast to keep up? Is life just too overwhelming?

I mean, this is just my observation, I'm sure there are many other hidden (and not so hidden) forces against these young people. Can you imagine? This is not like my adolescence. In most ways, I do not really relate to their reality. And they don't really remember a time when it wasn't like this, a time without being bombarded by conflicting input, a civil time, a calmer time. I used my first computer to write a paper in college at age 23. That is just how much has changed in the last 20ish years. I have to hand it to the kids of this age. They are brave and strong.

Let's talk about the climate march.

Our girls know a lot of the facts and realities of global warming. We've upped our personal, family game in trying to be more environmentally conscientious, but recognize it is really the big businesses and government leadership that will make the greatest changes. But they want action, they want to live life on this beautiful planet without devastating famines and natural disasters, and they want predictable weather and sea life and clean air and water to drink out of the tap. I admire the determination to bring attention to such a serious and urgent issue.

It is just one of many weights they carry. And yes they don't have a lifetime of experience and judgement, but they know a heckuva lot more than we did at their age. They have a lot to say and their voices are worth being heard. It might just make us think more deeply about things we've put on auto pilot. It has been a privilege, albeit a sometimes hair-raising one, to watch these three grow into themselves. They are capable to chart a different course than we've had to travel. I've learned a lot from their concerns and observations and opinions.

One thing is for sure, they need our confidence and support and encouragement and respect. These years of development are tough enough on their own, but this generation has a heavy load we didn't have to bear. I say, cheer them on!

Mothers

I’ve been thinking about mothers today. Motherhood is bearing children and raising and nurturing them, but it also is an embodiment of sacrifice, patience, long-suffering, gentleness, service, kindness, friendship and love. It is nurturing the mind, heart and body. As I look around at the depravity in our society, I wonder if people I see were really loved. Did they ever have a “mother”?

We have many mothers in our lives. I was lucky to have a biological mother who showed me all the qualities of a wonderful mother. She has loved me purely my whole life, and I am so grateful for her.

When I was a young girl my brothers teased me incessantly. My mom tried to teach me to ignore them without any success. After years of enduring torment, my Aunt Kris came to visit. She taught me to go along with the teasing. If they called me a name, go along with it and say, “Yep, that’s right!” Somehow I listened, and miraculously, it worked! She “mothered” me out of that difficult childhood trial.

When I was about 14, and my mom worked full-time as a single mom supporting herself and her children, there was a young married woman in our ward in her late twenties that worked at a nearby bookstore. Her name was Karen Cook. I used to go to the bookstore after school and tell her about all the boys I liked, about school and my problems. She drove me past the houses of my crushes! She was solid in the gospel and gave me sound advise. During that period of time, she was a “mother” to me. When I was at an age where I wasn't as interested in my own mom, she guided me safely through the rough waters of Middle School.

As an older teen, I had two YW leaders who taught me to minister and lead. They had a powerful influence on me as a result of their sacrifice and leadership, and their commitment to show me how to serve in preparation to be a future leader. They were most definitely “mothers” to me.

When I was drowning under layers of hard for several years while living in Auburn, California, I met a friend, Cindy Joeger, who, while not religious, lived LOVE better than anyone I had ever met. She encircled me in her natural, nurturing warmth and nourished my mind, heart and body. She was a living ministering angel that bound me up in love and goodness. I needed her, and she nurtured me in every way.

There are countless times when family members, friends, neighbors, ward members and even strangers have shown me this love, by feeding me nourishing meals, rocking my babies to sleep when Geoff was out of town, teaching me skills, listening to my struggles, encouraging me to try new things, watching my children so I could have a break, guiding me through depression, helping me see my unique gifts, taking an interest in my children, taking an interest in me, sending me small, thoughtful gifts, demonstrating how to serve selflessly, carrying my burdens, being present when we talk, letting me know I'm doing an ok job at being a mother, helping me to see the beauty in nature, helping me simplify, showing me new ways to do things, opening my mind to different points of view, and on and on and on.

This love that has been shown to me throughout my life is multiplied a hundred times over by those who embody the characteristics of "mothers". It is a powerful force for good.

There are many who have not known this love. I see them on the streets, in stores, in schools, and just about everywhere I go. They seem lost and void of love and nurturing. They are seeking, but not finding. I've been thinking today that I want to expand my mothering, or ministering. I want to start asking in prayer each morning, "Who needs my love today?" And in turn, I hope the receiver feels Christ's love, for He IS love.

Thank you to all of those who have influenced me through their mothering qualities, who have inspired and taught me to be more like the Savior through their words and actions.

Happy Mother's Day.

Cottage to Palace

Across the street was a small cottage, an old house that was empty with signs warning of asbestos. To be truthful, we all agreed we would gladly live in a house just like it this close to the beach. It looked perfectly adequate and simple. One day we noticed some workers tearing down the blue siding of the house, revealing the framing and insulation.

A few days later we heard a great commotion and saw an enormous jaw ripping up the shrubs, fences and driveway. What? Were they going to tear down the whole house?! We went outside to watch.

In one chomp the whole garage collapsed.

We watched as the garage, house, fence and foundation disappeared bite by bite. It was painful to watch. In a matter of a lunch hour a dwelling for families for decades was gone.

It brought to mind the quote by C.S. Lewis, from mere Christianity:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

Have you ever felt perfectly comfortable in your little life, perfectly adequate, and then suddenly it feels like you are being torn apart? Have you ever felt like you've been leveled by your circumstances, your weaknesses or events in your life? I have, many times.

This little empty lot has a clean slate. Soon a new home will be built. It will be free of asbestos; it will have better bathrooms and a kitchen; it will have a more solid foundation (it was a pretty weak foundation, once exposed.) Maybe it will have a beautiful porch with flowering gardens.  

I have learned, and continue to learn, that trusting in God is easier than resisting the changes and challenges in our lives. He knows what is possible for us to become. While we can't always see it at any given moment, He sees and knows all. 

I wish we were here to see the rebuilding. I bet the new place will be magnificent!

Unplugging From the World - Part 2

There is a contrasting side to all of my desires to live a simple life, away from all worldly care, as well as my love of travel and seeing new places and cultures and all of the beauty God has created. One or the other of these two contrasting ideas has occupied a good deal of my thoughts over the past months.

First, having a life of little or no commitments is pretty dreamy, but for me and what I want my life to be about, there are too many needs around me, at home and abroad, to self-indulgently isolate myself and not concern myself with the suffering of others, or deficits in culture, society or governments. I may not singlehandedly solve family, community or world problems, but I can certainly share my unique gifts and my time to help somehow.

That leads me to my second conundrum, travel. I love to travel with my family. It is one of our favorite things to do together. It opens our eyes to how people and cultures and governments are different, and how we are all the same in our love of family, a desire for freedom and equality, and our need to survive. It is amazing to see God's endless creations, and how more and more we are not careful stewards over them and the resources they provide. And having meaningful experiences together as a family creates unity and love through shared memory.

At the same time, travel is expensive. Here we have several months of travel planned, and yet we see that the children at the orphanage that we grew to love in Cambodia are in need of basic rice. We see that trash is a serious problem along a beautiful, pure archipelago. Children don't go to school after primary school on the island because there isn't enough money to build another building. We meet a woman barely feeding her children because the monthly rent of a tuk tuk is so expensive, but buying her own for $9000 is out of the question. The cost of an international trip or two could have serious impact on any one of these few issues.

In reality, our time and our means are God's. I've been asking myself if I am taking this truth seriously enough. Am I using my time and means in a way that is pleasing to Him? Am I too concerned about my own needs and wants and comforts that I'm not considering how He could use me as an instrument to help, even in a small way?

I'm not believing that God expects us to run ourselves dry or give ourselves poor. I believe a prayerful and deliberate balance and moderation is the right answer. However, I am realizing that I must be careful to give more emphasis to the prayer part, as it would be easy and natural to tip the scale a little more to my own comforts and conveniences!

I am grateful for these thoughts and observations. If this is the gift of this time together away from home, I will not let it be forgotten.

Unplugging From the World - Part 1

Nine years ago, when we spent a year in Southern France, it was like we disappeared from the world. We didn't have phones, we didn't know anyone, the girls weren't in school, and we were an hour from the nearest ward and had no commitments to serve in the church or community. We didn't have any local friends (except the homeless guy at the market who spoke English and the Italian fruit vendors at the fresh marché) and no nearby family. It was just us.

Geoff was sick at the time, I had just started the homeschooling adventure, and there were plenty of other challenges related to living abroad, but we had no outside responsibilities or commitments determining the use of our time or energy. While still very busy and full, life remained uncomplicated.

I was surprised to see the difference an absence of outside demands made on my own wellbeing and the dynamic in our family. Not only with regards to time and simplicity, but cultural expectations that drive us to urgency. At that time, I wondered at primary school grade level expectations. If a child takes his/her time learning a skill, such as reading for example, the cultural message is to work harder with flashcards, maybe a tutor, and you better hurry or he/she will fall behind, instead of allowing the child's brain to develop naturally, and trusting that it will.

When we moved to Geoff's parent's home for three and a half years, we had a few more responsibilities and we had some friends, but we still lived in a marvelous little bubble of happiness and simplicity. Still no phones, Geoff wasn't working, yet, and we lived in the country.

In Salt Lake, now home, life eventually revved up to full speed. We got phones, the girls went into school, Geoff began working again, we had busy church responsibilities, we have neighbor, friend and family relationships and commitments, and we live with city traffic and bustle. Often at home I don't feel I can be my best self. I feel like I'm on a fast train and want to get off to catch my breath, but there are no stops. I struggle to simplify life, I'm not successfully on top of things and I feel tired a lot.

I've wondered if this is because of those five years of life that seemed to move at a slower pace (although busy). Maybe I have an unrealistic expectation of life. Or maybe I just glimpsed what life could be like.

We came to New Zealand to spend that uninterrupted time together. No sights to see while at this beach and no commitments. I must admit it feels heavenly! For the first time in months we are on a bit of a schedule with getting some schoolwork done; we eat three meals a day again; we open the garage and ride our bikes a block to the beach; we have time to read or play games; we sit around and talk about things; we all meditate together before going to bed. My internal knots of stress and urgency are beginning to unravel.

I would desire this time for every family I know. Go somewhere remote, even if it isn't super far away, just far enough away from people you know. Stay for at least a month, maybe three, if you can swing it. Take time off of work and find replacements for your responsibilities in church, school or the community so your phone is silent, your inbox empty and your thoughts free. Limit screen time for everyone. Take a suitcase of good books and games and art supplies. Explore the area. Find local markets and rent bikes or scooters for the whole stay. Make sure there is outside space for kids to be free and explore their new, unfamiliar surroundings. Learn something new together: history, marine biology, astronomy, cooking new foods, a sport or watercolor. Let yourself and your kids feel bored. Kids turn to each other and their imaginations after awhile, and creative play really takes flight. And breathe for a good long time.

I'm beginning to see some things more clearly. Stepping away from one's reality in a calm and open way gives perspective. I still don't know what I can cut out at home, but I am grateful to be off the train for awhile, and to see more meaning in some of the commitments and people in my life.