Marriage - Part 6

There is a personality color test we once did. I can't remember the name of the book, but it was pretty simplistic, dividing people into one of four colors:

RED - Type A, takes charge, quick decisions, problem solver, self-reliant, gets things done
BLUE - Likes order, conscientious, disciplined, precise, thorough
YELLOW - Optimistic, enthusiastic, people person, spontaneous, fun, free
WHITE - Peacemaker, calm, agreeable, loyal, self-controlled, consistent, good listener

You get the basic idea. Geoff is a RED/YELLOW and I am a RED/BLUE.

When our kids were small, Geoff was starting a company that took him away from home a lot. Often he was gone for weeks at a time. Every Saturday he was in town I would present a list of to-do items for us to accomplish on our rare day at home together. With two of us tackling the list the things might just get done! I looked forward to these Saturdays, placing all hope of feeling control in my life on that list. Productivity was my goal! But every Saturday would pass by and Geoff would move slowly, go on bike rides, play with the girls, push for outings, and somehow we never quite got to my list. This drove me crazy, and the things on the list just didn't get done. I had to fight resentment.

One day it occurred to me, after taking this color personality test for fun, that Geoff was RED all day every day at work, and when he came home on weekends, he wanted to honor the YELLOW in him. He needed space in his life to be free, fun, playful and spontaneous. That was a big discovery for me. I realized it was important for me to allow him this space. This took a lot of pressure off of Geoff. There was not a to-do list for him to tackle every weekend at home. This wasn't laziness or selfishness, it was really something he needed to fully be his best self.

But what about me and honoring what I needed? Geoff's work demands left me mothering alone most of the time with little ones. I had a hard time getting things done (honoring my RED) and keeping order in my life (honoring my BLUE), yet I loved that Geoff had a meaningful job that was full of purpose. I didn't want to ask him to give it up, and I knew that if he stayed with it the time demands would continue. I had a life coach for awhile that introduced a simple phrase:

This isn't working for me.

This isn't a selfish phrase. In full it went something like this, "I love that you have a job that you love, and I want to support you in every way possible, but always having you gone, and me not having support at home to get things done or have breaks isn't working for me." It is a problem-solving phrase, an invitation to seek solutions. Solutions that came out of these conversations over the years were a cleaning lady, a babysitter two afternoons a week so I could have a break, finding a handyman to come once a month, babysitting trades for date night, etc.

I love this phrase because it takes out finger pointing. It wasn't Geoff's fault for not getting the list done, and it wasn't my fault for always having a list. It just WAS. So what do we do about it? Of course, it really helps that we genuinely wanted each other to be happy and supported. Paying for outside help was a sacrifice, and it was worth the sacrifice so that both of us felt supported (as much as possible) in any given situation.

We've only used this a handful of times over the years, but it has been amazingly helpful each time.