Marriage - Part 2

When Geoff and I were engaged, we had a good friend who was in graduate school to become a marriage and family therapist. As part of an assignment, she had to film herself giving a session of marriage counseling based on an approach called Imago, and we agreed to be her "couple". The following day she called and said the recording hadn't worked and could we do it again. We agreed and had the next session. Little did we know, those two sessions of Imago therapy would set the foundation for our successful marriage!

In the first session, she taught us a framework for effective communication. The basic idea goes something like this:

Wife: It really hurt my feelings when you XYZ.

Husband: I made you feel bad when I XYZ? (Repeats back what was heard.)

Wife: Yeah, and then you said XYZ to so and so and I felt so dumb.

Husband: So it made you feel dumb when I told so and so that XYZ?

NOTE: Sometimes when repeating back, an important emphasis or detail is missed, and in that case the wife would have a chance to clarify what she meant, or sometimes she might add to it. The husband would then repeat back the new information.

Wife: Yeah, I felt dumb.

Husband: Is there anything else?

Wife: No, that is all.

Husband: I'm really sorry I made you feel bad, and that you felt dumb. Knowing that you (fill in), it makes sense that you felt bad, and knowing how much you care about (fill in), it makes sense that what I said to so and so made you feel dumb. I'm really sorry.

Basically, in this last part, the husband is validating what the wife said, and how he understands specifically why she is upset/hurt.

It is really a simple formula. Sometimes it can take hours to listen to everything and repeat it back. It requires patience and commitment and love. Sometimes you both have emotions you want to express and it is difficult to put one's own emotions aside to really hear and understand the other person. It is hard work, and totally worth it.

The second session was an application of these communication tools. She had us identify a person in our childhood that let us down. I had a clear person, but Geoff had more of a family dynamic. Both worked.

I went first. I was to act as if I was Little Darcie, and Geoff was to act as the person who had let me down. I expressed myself as Little Darcie. I let all of my emotion out as Geoff repeated back everything I said to make sure he understood. I was crying as I let all the hurt and longing of my childhood out. In the end Geoff validated me (still acting as if he was the one who hurt me.) It was so powerful and healing, feeling like I could express my childhood sadness and have it heard and validated. In the process, Geoff was able to identify some vulnerable spots for me. He was counseled to be very careful and protective of those vulnerable areas.

Geoff then had a turn and we went through the same powerful process. We were able to learn important things about each other. We both felt we could move on from some pretty big heartaches and disappointments.

Every person grows up having certain parts of themselves nurtured and developed from childhood, but because of the imperfection of parents and families, every person has a few "holes", areas in which they aren't yet whole. Ideally we marry someone who can provide for us in those areas where we aren't yet whole. Then over time we become whole, if that makes sense.

Throughout the first years of our marriage we used this framework of communication. Sometimes I'll admit it was very laborious, especially when something came up late at night! But we stuck with it and persisted. After awhile the things we had to discuss in such a thorough way became less and less, and it became easier for us to just understand and hear each other without the process.

Our communication is one of our greatest strengths, hands down.

Learn and use good communication tools!

(There is a book, which we've only heard about, with exercises for couples in the Imago technique called, Getting the Love You Want, if you're interested.)