Now What?

There are many things a mother doesn't know before getting herself into the whole, lifetime-commitment-of-loving-human-beings-more-than-yourself business, many of which are better to find out after the fact or you might just be to scared to make the leap! Then there are the endangered breed who choose to stay home and do the motherhood thing as a full-time career: carpools, classroom volunteers, team moms, cheerleader, teacher, nurse, psychologist, cook, cleaner, project manager, neighborhood gatherer and popsicle provider, party thrower, tutor, costume designer, wilderness explorer, etc. Of course, working moms try their hand at all of these things too, but the difference is that they keep a part of themselves separate. That separate self continues to grow and develop in its identity.

I don't regret staying home or getting a little more intense and homeschooling my kids. Those are magical, treasured years. I know my little humans deeply and I'm grateful for the ways we've grown and learned together. I'll admit they are the hardest years, but they are the most meaningful too. But I'm in a stage now that I never anticipated, no one pre-warned me, and no one really talks about.

Now what?

What happens when the kids grow up? What happens when they are independent and go to school all day? Then what? I guess I subconsciously thought I would always just continue being an engaged mother, but I didn't realize I would have so much time. I didn't realize I would feel a big void.

As children grow and become adults the parenting role totally shifts. One goes from being the lead role to a supporting role, maybe sometimes even just en extra in the background, not contributing much to the scene at all. That deep, rewarding sense of being so needed sort of fades out, not completely, but almost. I mean, that is the goal, right? To raise independent and self-reliant adults. Bravo! But then the mother who sacrificed all, stands alone, watching her dear children march off into the wide future, somewhat stripped of self and identity. It feels a little raw and vulnerable. Who am I now? What do I like to do? What am I interested in doing with my time? What do I care about?

Strangely, a full-time mother has gained all kinds of skills, capabilities and adaptability, yet I admit I feel a bit inadequate at pursuing a real job. And what job would be flexible and as engaging and as interesting as raising humans? I don't really want to be bound by a set schedule. And how can I find something that will fulfill me in the same way? To just go get any ol' job feels like a demotion. I mean, no one could pay enough to compensate a good mother, and then her next job pays eight bucks an hour?

Geoff has been extremely supportive of me taking a few years to rediscover myself. As I've mentioned before, I've been working on different projects I've wanted to get to, one big, time consuming one being my blog into books. That is actually a positive review and closure to a chapter in my life that is winding down. I'm also still involved enough in my children's lives that I don't want to be unavailable, yet. So now is a good time for me to take time. I read books and go on hikes with friends and go to yoga. I organize closets and drawers and work on family history. I still value keeping life moving at a good pace for everyone in the household, to keep things organized and nourishing and peaceful.

Geoff and I are exploring things we can do together as our time together increases. We've taken up road biking, with the intention of working up to road biking tours. I used to be super active, and I'm trying to experience that again. It is getting easier as time goes on, and I'm starting to have fun doing it.

We're looking into cooking more together, or maybe starting some friend dinner or book clubs. We've been so focused on family (and health) for the past ten years that much of our social lives have atrophied. What are ways we can nurture that aspect of our lives back into a good balance?

I'm realizing this is a process, and maybe a long one, but I'm grateful to be on my way and exploring the possibilities of my next chapter.