Marriage - Part 7

It is often helpful to have a phrase that means something to both people. "This isn't working for me", that I mentioned in my last marriage post, signifies we're moving into a problem-solving mode. We both know it; all brainstorming is welcome and encouraged. We have another phrase:

Can I make a request?

You know those things in home life that are just annoying? Someone leaves the cupboard doors open, the sponge doesn't get rinsed out, wet towels are left on the floor, and the list goes on. The crazy thing about these types of annoyances is that they are only annoying to some people. I may not even notice that what I'm doing is bothersome to Geoff, or vice versa. Of course, there are some things you just ignore, accommodate, or embrace, but some things are really irksome. Instead of resentment building or resorting to nagging, we just say, "Can I make a request?" We both know that the other is going to recommend a change in behavior when we hear that phrase. "Would you mind cleaning off the table after you work there? A clean table is visually important for me." To the one receiving the request, it may seem silly to care so much about something, or it may seem hard to change the habit, but LOVE is the motivation. If I know Geoff is really bothered by something, even if I don't think it is a big deal, I want to work on changing the behavior. It might take me awhile to remember, but if he occasionally reminds me I am thankful for the nudges toward change.

Good communication requires selflessness, humility, fairness and kindness. It demands respectfulness and oneness.

To finish off this marriage series, I am going to share a mentality, or perspective, that kind of ties all of these posts together. Geoff and I consider ourselves a team. Team Davis. It isn't about Geoff and it isn't about me, it is about us. We are always looking out for the team. Neither of us would knowingly hurt each other, take from the other, or seek to only build up our own interests. Sometimes one team member needs all support, and in that case the other rallies. With Geoff's illness and my depression, we both have had times of life revolving around our needs. It isn't easy.

I remember one time in France when Geoff was very sick I was readying the trash to take to the street 122 stairs up, a daily task. Geoff was laying on the couch. He said something like, "Darcie, I so badly want to take the trash out. Please know I am so grateful you are carrying all the load right now. I'm not going to get used to this. I WILL take out the trash again when I can."

If a person on the team is out, for whatever reason, the other takes up the slack without resentment (done through communication). A team is unified in purpose. They work to get better. They watch out for each other's wellbeing. Being a good team member requires the same qualities as good communication: selflessness, humility, fairness, kindness, respect and oneness.

Be a team.

Marriage - Part 6

There is a personality color test we once did. I can't remember the name of the book, but it was pretty simplistic, dividing people into one of four colors:

RED - Type A, takes charge, quick decisions, problem solver, self-reliant, gets things done
BLUE - Likes order, conscientious, disciplined, precise, thorough
YELLOW - Optimistic, enthusiastic, people person, spontaneous, fun, free
WHITE - Peacemaker, calm, agreeable, loyal, self-controlled, consistent, good listener

You get the basic idea. Geoff is a RED/YELLOW and I am a RED/BLUE.

When our kids were small, Geoff was starting a company that took him away from home a lot. Often he was gone for weeks at a time. Every Saturday he was in town I would present a list of to-do items for us to accomplish on our rare day at home together. With two of us tackling the list the things might just get done! I looked forward to these Saturdays, placing all hope of feeling control in my life on that list. Productivity was my goal! But every Saturday would pass by and Geoff would move slowly, go on bike rides, play with the girls, push for outings, and somehow we never quite got to my list. This drove me crazy, and the things on the list just didn't get done. I had to fight resentment.

One day it occurred to me, after taking this color personality test for fun, that Geoff was RED all day every day at work, and when he came home on weekends, he wanted to honor the YELLOW in him. He needed space in his life to be free, fun, playful and spontaneous. That was a big discovery for me. I realized it was important for me to allow him this space. This took a lot of pressure off of Geoff. There was not a to-do list for him to tackle every weekend at home. This wasn't laziness or selfishness, it was really something he needed to fully be his best self.

But what about me and honoring what I needed? Geoff's work demands left me mothering alone most of the time with little ones. I had a hard time getting things done (honoring my RED) and keeping order in my life (honoring my BLUE), yet I loved that Geoff had a meaningful job that was full of purpose. I didn't want to ask him to give it up, and I knew that if he stayed with it the time demands would continue. I had a life coach for awhile that introduced a simple phrase:

This isn't working for me.

This isn't a selfish phrase. In full it went something like this, "I love that you have a job that you love, and I want to support you in every way possible, but always having you gone, and me not having support at home to get things done or have breaks isn't working for me." It is a problem-solving phrase, an invitation to seek solutions. Solutions that came out of these conversations over the years were a cleaning lady, a babysitter two afternoons a week so I could have a break, finding a handyman to come once a month, babysitting trades for date night, etc.

I love this phrase because it takes out finger pointing. It wasn't Geoff's fault for not getting the list done, and it wasn't my fault for always having a list. It just WAS. So what do we do about it? Of course, it really helps that we genuinely wanted each other to be happy and supported. Paying for outside help was a sacrifice, and it was worth the sacrifice so that both of us felt supported (as much as possible) in any given situation.

We've only used this a handful of times over the years, but it has been amazingly helpful each time.

October Wrap-Up

I haven't been posting for two reasons. First, it has been an uneventful month. Plenty has been going on, but nothing to post about. Second, I've been working on turning old posts into books (this is an insane amount of work the way I'm doing it) and I'm not super excited about creating more work for myself unnecessarily!

One thing that DID go on in October was FALL. It was a long and beautiful fall, and we got out to enjoy it often. I didn't get too many pictures, other than a trip to Stewart Falls with Emily and Bailey and a walk up Memory Grove with Adele.

Halloween snuck up on us this year. I'm grateful to be out of the insanely busy Halloween season with little kids. Now I just love seeing what they come up with at the last minute. Adele and her friends all dressed up as each other. Adele was Sami and Sami was Adele. Only the very observant noticed.

She and her friend Alexa went to Provo to a Halloween party with Tennie and she came out as a friar. 

Ceci wasn't sure what the dressing up would be at her high school so she took a quick idea from Adele's school costume, grabbed a name tag and went to school as "Shane". I love that girl's humor! And then she met up with friends for evening trick-or-treating and fun and went as a good ol' fashion ghost.

How is that for a speedy quick wrap-up?

Marriage - Part 5

A few years into our marriage, during one of our retreats, we did an exercise that was very insightful. Based on the concept of Love Languages, we each wrote down five ways we showed love to the other person and five ways we received love from the other person. I specifically remember writing down that the way I showed love was preparing a homemade family dinner, having the house tidy and a candle burning. Nothing related to that was on Geoff's list of how he received love. I was aghast that all of those nights I put in the effort to show him love and he didn't even notice (although appreciative)! There were a few of those on both of our lists.

The beautiful thing is that I now knew that if I wanted to put in the effort to make dinner and have a tidy house with a candle burning, it was for me, not for Geoff. I could then put my efforts into doing things that Geoff would receive as my effort to show love, like holding his hand more (something that would not naturally occur to me!) And vise versa, Geoff could clean up the dinner dishes or tidy the living room and know how much love I received!

Some people in marriage feel like they give, give and give and get nothing in return, and I think this is why...we just are giving the wrong things!

We did this the following year and interestingly our lists we far more spot on. We had acted on what we learned the year before, and we've never really had to do it again. I know what Geoff wants and needs and he knows what I want and need.

We've explored this with our girls too, with great success.

Learn your spouse's Love Language, and then speak it!

Marriage - Part 4

As soon as we had our first baby we committed to weekly date nights. Neither of us wanted a deadline at the end of a Saturday, so Friday nights are our night out...still.

I'll admit that for most of our married life we've been pretty fried at the end of our busy weeks, and we LOVE movies, so most of our dates are spent at a theater or on the couch staring at a screen. We have always known this was pretty boring. Sometimes we come up with ideas like playing pickle ball or going rollerblading or going to the symphony, but usually movies win out.



In Redmond we organized a monthly friend's dinner and would meet at different, unique restaurants around Seattle. Six to eight couples were on the invite list, and sometimes all would come, sometimes just 2-3 couples would be available. It was always fun. Our life path sort of isolated us for several years, and we don't really have a lot of couple friends these days. Maybe we'll try to rekindle some old friendships in the future.

Date nights are a priority because our relationship is the number one priority. It is easy for kids or work or LIFE to creep in and get between a husband and wife. It is always nice to step outside of one's world and be with one's best friend. Geoff and I love to be together, even if we aren't doing anything in particular. Sometimes we can talk for hours; sometimes we don't have much to say at all.

The important thing is TIME for and with each other.

Along these same lines, we try to go on weekend retreats once a year. This has been inconsistent for the most part, but every time we do them we love it. Early on these retreats were to discuss things we never had a chance to discuss because of the craziness of small children or an demanding work schedule, things like our marriage, how each child was doing, short and long-term goals, a budget, etc. Sometimes it was at a nearby hotel, sometimes a cabin in the mountains or a room overlooking the beach. We both loved these long days together.

In more recent times we don't feel like the retreats need to be so productive, so we'll hike or window shop or go to museums and take our time eating out. And of course we watch movies...

A few times we've taken trips together. Those are great memories, but overall we both have preferred to use the money and time away for family adventures while we have kids at home.

While we love to be together, watch movies and prioritize each other, we both recognize that we have a LOT more time together coming in the next few years when our nest is empty. That is a phase we've been talking about and are going to prepare for, as I've mentioned before. Life is constantly changing and we've tried to adapt and reevaluate things as we go along. It is a work in progress!

Marriage - Part 3

With a strong communication framework in place and getting some good use, we got married full of hope and with strong commitment to make our marriage work.

On the first night of our honeymoon we made a decision that every night before going to bed we would express three things we appreciated about the other person. Often it was things the person did throughout the day, other times is was a characteristic we loved in the other person.

This was powerful in three ways:

We looked for and noticed nice things the other person did all day every day.

We lived in a place of gratitude toward the other person.

We made emotional deposits every day, which made it less harmful when we had to bring up something hard. The love was secure; we could handle hearing something negative once in awhile.

We called this "Appreciates".

We did Appreciates every single night for years.

After having three small children, with Geoff traveling almost constantly, and living in Redmond, Washington where the skies were gray, and I struggled with chronic cabin fever, saying, "Thank you for making dinner tonight" just didn't cut it, and I told Geoff so. I told him it needed to sound something like this, "Thank you for making dinner when you haven't had a physical or mental break all day, and thank you for persisting with dinner when you had to stop 10 times because of whining or screaming children and when the house is a mess...." Yeah, I was requiring a LOT more appreciation during those years.

Eventually our appreciates before bed fizzled out, but the habit was largely still there, and we still express a lot of appreciation to each other to this day.

Looking for all the other is doing right and expressing appreciation...it works!

Marriage - Part 2

When Geoff and I were engaged, we had a good friend who was in graduate school to become a marriage and family therapist. As part of an assignment, she had to film herself giving a session of marriage counseling based on an approach called Imago, and we agreed to be her "couple". The following day she called and said the recording hadn't worked and could we do it again. We agreed and had the next session. Little did we know, those two sessions of Imago therapy would set the foundation for our successful marriage!

In the first session, she taught us a framework for effective communication. The basic idea goes something like this:

Wife: It really hurt my feelings when you XYZ.

Husband: I made you feel bad when I XYZ? (Repeats back what was heard.)

Wife: Yeah, and then you said XYZ to so and so and I felt so dumb.

Husband: So it made you feel dumb when I told so and so that XYZ?

NOTE: Sometimes when repeating back, an important emphasis or detail is missed, and in that case the wife would have a chance to clarify what she meant, or sometimes she might add to it. The husband would then repeat back the new information.

Wife: Yeah, I felt dumb.

Husband: Is there anything else?

Wife: No, that is all.

Husband: I'm really sorry I made you feel bad, and that you felt dumb. Knowing that you (fill in), it makes sense that you felt bad, and knowing how much you care about (fill in), it makes sense that what I said to so and so made you feel dumb. I'm really sorry.

Basically, in this last part, the husband is validating what the wife said, and how he understands specifically why she is upset/hurt.

It is really a simple formula. Sometimes it can take hours to listen to everything and repeat it back. It requires patience and commitment and love. Sometimes you both have emotions you want to express and it is difficult to put one's own emotions aside to really hear and understand the other person. It is hard work, and totally worth it.

The second session was an application of these communication tools. She had us identify a person in our childhood that let us down. I had a clear person, but Geoff had more of a family dynamic. Both worked.

I went first. I was to act as if I was Little Darcie, and Geoff was to act as the person who had let me down. I expressed myself as Little Darcie. I let all of my emotion out as Geoff repeated back everything I said to make sure he understood. I was crying as I let all the hurt and longing of my childhood out. In the end Geoff validated me (still acting as if he was the one who hurt me.) It was so powerful and healing, feeling like I could express my childhood sadness and have it heard and validated. In the process, Geoff was able to identify some vulnerable spots for me. He was counseled to be very careful and protective of those vulnerable areas.

Geoff then had a turn and we went through the same powerful process. We were able to learn important things about each other. We both felt we could move on from some pretty big heartaches and disappointments.

Every person grows up having certain parts of themselves nurtured and developed from childhood, but because of the imperfection of parents and families, every person has a few "holes", areas in which they aren't yet whole. Ideally we marry someone who can provide for us in those areas where we aren't yet whole. Then over time we become whole, if that makes sense.

Throughout the first years of our marriage we used this framework of communication. Sometimes I'll admit it was very laborious, especially when something came up late at night! But we stuck with it and persisted. After awhile the things we had to discuss in such a thorough way became less and less, and it became easier for us to just understand and hear each other without the process.

Our communication is one of our greatest strengths, hands down.

Learn and use good communication tools!

(There is a book, which we've only heard about, with exercises for couples in the Imago technique called, Getting the Love You Want, if you're interested.)