A few years into our marriage, during one of our retreats, we did an exercise that was very insightful. Based on the concept of Love Languages, we each wrote down five ways we showed love to the other person and five ways we received love from the other person. I specifically remember writing down that the way I showed love was preparing a homemade family dinner, having the house tidy and a candle burning. Nothing related to that was on Geoff's list of how he received love. I was aghast that all of those nights I put in the effort to show him love and he didn't even notice (although appreciative)! There were a few of those on both of our lists.
The beautiful thing is that I now knew that if I wanted to put in the effort to make dinner and have a tidy house with a candle burning, it was for me, not for Geoff. I could then put my efforts into doing things that Geoff would receive as my effort to show love, like holding his hand more (something that would not naturally occur to me!) And vise versa, Geoff could clean up the dinner dishes or tidy the living room and know how much love I received!
Some people in marriage feel like they give, give and give and get nothing in return, and I think this is why...we just are giving the wrong things!
We did this the following year and interestingly our lists we far more spot on. We had acted on what we learned the year before, and we've never really had to do it again. I know what Geoff wants and needs and he knows what I want and need.
We've explored this with our girls too, with great success.
Learn your spouse's Love Language, and then speak it!
Tuesday, October 29, 2019
Friday, October 25, 2019
Marriage - Part 4
As soon as we had our first baby we committed to weekly date nights. Neither of us wanted a deadline at the end of a Saturday, so Friday nights are our night out...still.
I'll admit that for most of our married life we've been pretty fried at the end of our busy weeks, and we LOVE movies, so most of our dates are spent at a theater or on the couch staring at a screen. We have always known this was pretty boring. Sometimes we come up with ideas like playing pickle ball or going rollerblading or going to the symphony, but usually movies win out.
In Redmond we organized a monthly friend's dinner and would meet at different, unique restaurants around Seattle. Six to eight couples were on the invite list, and sometimes all would come, sometimes just 2-3 couples would be available. It was always fun. Our life path sort of isolated us for several years, and we don't really have a lot of couple friends these days. Maybe we'll try to rekindle some old friendships in the future.
Date nights are a priority because our relationship is the number one priority. It is easy for kids or work or LIFE to creep in and get between a husband and wife. It is always nice to step outside of one's world and be with one's best friend. Geoff and I love to be together, even if we aren't doing anything in particular. Sometimes we can talk for hours; sometimes we don't have much to say at all.
The important thing is TIME for and with each other.
Along these same lines, we try to go on weekend retreats once a year. This has been inconsistent for the most part, but every time we do them we love it. Early on these retreats were to discuss things we never had a chance to discuss because of the craziness of small children or an demanding work schedule, things like our marriage, how each child was doing, short and long-term goals, a budget, etc. Sometimes it was at a nearby hotel, sometimes a cabin in the mountains or a room overlooking the beach. We both loved these long days together.
In more recent times we don't feel like the retreats need to be so productive, so we'll hike or window shop or go to museums and take our time eating out. And of course we watch movies...
A few times we've taken trips together. Those are great memories, but overall we both have preferred to use the money and time away for family adventures while we have kids at home.
While we love to be together, watch movies and prioritize each other, we both recognize that we have a LOT more time together coming in the next few years when our nest is empty. That is a phase we've been talking about and are going to prepare for, as I've mentioned before. Life is constantly changing and we've tried to adapt and reevaluate things as we go along. It is a work in progress!
I'll admit that for most of our married life we've been pretty fried at the end of our busy weeks, and we LOVE movies, so most of our dates are spent at a theater or on the couch staring at a screen. We have always known this was pretty boring. Sometimes we come up with ideas like playing pickle ball or going rollerblading or going to the symphony, but usually movies win out.
In Redmond we organized a monthly friend's dinner and would meet at different, unique restaurants around Seattle. Six to eight couples were on the invite list, and sometimes all would come, sometimes just 2-3 couples would be available. It was always fun. Our life path sort of isolated us for several years, and we don't really have a lot of couple friends these days. Maybe we'll try to rekindle some old friendships in the future.
Date nights are a priority because our relationship is the number one priority. It is easy for kids or work or LIFE to creep in and get between a husband and wife. It is always nice to step outside of one's world and be with one's best friend. Geoff and I love to be together, even if we aren't doing anything in particular. Sometimes we can talk for hours; sometimes we don't have much to say at all.
The important thing is TIME for and with each other.
Along these same lines, we try to go on weekend retreats once a year. This has been inconsistent for the most part, but every time we do them we love it. Early on these retreats were to discuss things we never had a chance to discuss because of the craziness of small children or an demanding work schedule, things like our marriage, how each child was doing, short and long-term goals, a budget, etc. Sometimes it was at a nearby hotel, sometimes a cabin in the mountains or a room overlooking the beach. We both loved these long days together.
In more recent times we don't feel like the retreats need to be so productive, so we'll hike or window shop or go to museums and take our time eating out. And of course we watch movies...
A few times we've taken trips together. Those are great memories, but overall we both have preferred to use the money and time away for family adventures while we have kids at home.
While we love to be together, watch movies and prioritize each other, we both recognize that we have a LOT more time together coming in the next few years when our nest is empty. That is a phase we've been talking about and are going to prepare for, as I've mentioned before. Life is constantly changing and we've tried to adapt and reevaluate things as we go along. It is a work in progress!
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
Marriage - Part 3
With a strong communication framework in place and getting some good use, we got married full of hope and with strong commitment to make our marriage work.
On the first night of our honeymoon we made a decision that every night before going to bed we would express three things we appreciated about the other person. Often it was things the person did throughout the day, other times is was a characteristic we loved in the other person.
This was powerful in three ways:
We looked for and noticed nice things the other person did all day every day.
We lived in a place of gratitude toward the other person.
We made emotional deposits every day, which made it less harmful when we had to bring up something hard. The love was secure; we could handle hearing something negative once in awhile.
We called this "Appreciates".
We did Appreciates every single night for years.
After having three small children, with Geoff traveling almost constantly, and living in Redmond, Washington where the skies were gray, and I struggled with chronic cabin fever, saying, "Thank you for making dinner tonight" just didn't cut it, and I told Geoff so. I told him it needed to sound something like this, "Thank you for making dinner when you haven't had a physical or mental break all day, and thank you for persisting with dinner when you had to stop 10 times because of whining or screaming children and when the house is a mess...." Yeah, I was requiring a LOT more appreciation during those years.
Eventually our appreciates before bed fizzled out, but the habit was largely still there, and we still express a lot of appreciation to each other to this day.
Looking for all the other is doing right and expressing appreciation...it works!
On the first night of our honeymoon we made a decision that every night before going to bed we would express three things we appreciated about the other person. Often it was things the person did throughout the day, other times is was a characteristic we loved in the other person.
This was powerful in three ways:
We looked for and noticed nice things the other person did all day every day.
We lived in a place of gratitude toward the other person.
We made emotional deposits every day, which made it less harmful when we had to bring up something hard. The love was secure; we could handle hearing something negative once in awhile.
We called this "Appreciates".
We did Appreciates every single night for years.
After having three small children, with Geoff traveling almost constantly, and living in Redmond, Washington where the skies were gray, and I struggled with chronic cabin fever, saying, "Thank you for making dinner tonight" just didn't cut it, and I told Geoff so. I told him it needed to sound something like this, "Thank you for making dinner when you haven't had a physical or mental break all day, and thank you for persisting with dinner when you had to stop 10 times because of whining or screaming children and when the house is a mess...." Yeah, I was requiring a LOT more appreciation during those years.
Eventually our appreciates before bed fizzled out, but the habit was largely still there, and we still express a lot of appreciation to each other to this day.
Looking for all the other is doing right and expressing appreciation...it works!
Friday, October 18, 2019
Marriage - Part 2
When Geoff and I were engaged, we had a good friend who was in graduate school to become a marriage and family therapist. As part of an assignment, she had to film herself giving a session of marriage counseling based on an approach called Imago, and we agreed to be her "couple". The following day she called and said the recording hadn't worked and could we do it again. We agreed and had the next session. Little did we know, those two sessions of Imago therapy would set the foundation for our successful marriage!
In the first session, she taught us a framework for effective communication. The basic idea goes something like this:
Wife: It really hurt my feelings when you XYZ.
Husband: I made you feel bad when I XYZ? (Repeats back what was heard.)
Wife: Yeah, and then you said XYZ to so and so and I felt so dumb.
Husband: So it made you feel dumb when I told so and so that XYZ?
NOTE: Sometimes when repeating back, an important emphasis or detail is missed, and in that case the wife would have a chance to clarify what she meant, or sometimes she might add to it. The husband would then repeat back the new information.
Wife: Yeah, I felt dumb.
Husband: Is there anything else?
Wife: No, that is all.
Husband: I'm really sorry I made you feel bad, and that you felt dumb. Knowing that you (fill in), it makes sense that you felt bad, and knowing how much you care about (fill in), it makes sense that what I said to so and so made you feel dumb. I'm really sorry.
Basically, in this last part, the husband is validating what the wife said, and how he understands specifically why she is upset/hurt.
It is really a simple formula. Sometimes it can take hours to listen to everything and repeat it back. It requires patience and commitment and love. Sometimes you both have emotions you want to express and it is difficult to put one's own emotions aside to really hear and understand the other person. It is hard work, and totally worth it.
The second session was an application of these communication tools. She had us identify a person in our childhood that let us down. I had a clear person, but Geoff had more of a family dynamic. Both worked.
I went first. I was to act as if I was Little Darcie, and Geoff was to act as the person who had let me down. I expressed myself as Little Darcie. I let all of my emotion out as Geoff repeated back everything I said to make sure he understood. I was crying as I let all the hurt and longing of my childhood out. In the end Geoff validated me (still acting as if he was the one who hurt me.) It was so powerful and healing, feeling like I could express my childhood sadness and have it heard and validated. In the process, Geoff was able to identify some vulnerable spots for me. He was counseled to be very careful and protective of those vulnerable areas.
Geoff then had a turn and we went through the same powerful process. We were able to learn important things about each other. We both felt we could move on from some pretty big heartaches and disappointments.
Every person grows up having certain parts of themselves nurtured and developed from childhood, but because of the imperfection of parents and families, every person has a few "holes", areas in which they aren't yet whole. Ideally we marry someone who can provide for us in those areas where we aren't yet whole. Then over time we become whole, if that makes sense.
Throughout the first years of our marriage we used this framework of communication. Sometimes I'll admit it was very laborious, especially when something came up late at night! But we stuck with it and persisted. After awhile the things we had to discuss in such a thorough way became less and less, and it became easier for us to just understand and hear each other without the process.
Our communication is one of our greatest strengths, hands down.
Learn and use good communication tools!
(There is a book, which we've only heard about, with exercises for couples in the Imago technique called, Getting the Love You Want, if you're interested.)
In the first session, she taught us a framework for effective communication. The basic idea goes something like this:
Wife: It really hurt my feelings when you XYZ.
Husband: I made you feel bad when I XYZ? (Repeats back what was heard.)
Wife: Yeah, and then you said XYZ to so and so and I felt so dumb.
Husband: So it made you feel dumb when I told so and so that XYZ?
NOTE: Sometimes when repeating back, an important emphasis or detail is missed, and in that case the wife would have a chance to clarify what she meant, or sometimes she might add to it. The husband would then repeat back the new information.
Wife: Yeah, I felt dumb.
Husband: Is there anything else?
Wife: No, that is all.
Husband: I'm really sorry I made you feel bad, and that you felt dumb. Knowing that you (fill in), it makes sense that you felt bad, and knowing how much you care about (fill in), it makes sense that what I said to so and so made you feel dumb. I'm really sorry.
Basically, in this last part, the husband is validating what the wife said, and how he understands specifically why she is upset/hurt.
It is really a simple formula. Sometimes it can take hours to listen to everything and repeat it back. It requires patience and commitment and love. Sometimes you both have emotions you want to express and it is difficult to put one's own emotions aside to really hear and understand the other person. It is hard work, and totally worth it.
The second session was an application of these communication tools. She had us identify a person in our childhood that let us down. I had a clear person, but Geoff had more of a family dynamic. Both worked.
I went first. I was to act as if I was Little Darcie, and Geoff was to act as the person who had let me down. I expressed myself as Little Darcie. I let all of my emotion out as Geoff repeated back everything I said to make sure he understood. I was crying as I let all the hurt and longing of my childhood out. In the end Geoff validated me (still acting as if he was the one who hurt me.) It was so powerful and healing, feeling like I could express my childhood sadness and have it heard and validated. In the process, Geoff was able to identify some vulnerable spots for me. He was counseled to be very careful and protective of those vulnerable areas.
Geoff then had a turn and we went through the same powerful process. We were able to learn important things about each other. We both felt we could move on from some pretty big heartaches and disappointments.
Every person grows up having certain parts of themselves nurtured and developed from childhood, but because of the imperfection of parents and families, every person has a few "holes", areas in which they aren't yet whole. Ideally we marry someone who can provide for us in those areas where we aren't yet whole. Then over time we become whole, if that makes sense.
Throughout the first years of our marriage we used this framework of communication. Sometimes I'll admit it was very laborious, especially when something came up late at night! But we stuck with it and persisted. After awhile the things we had to discuss in such a thorough way became less and less, and it became easier for us to just understand and hear each other without the process.
Our communication is one of our greatest strengths, hands down.
Learn and use good communication tools!
(There is a book, which we've only heard about, with exercises for couples in the Imago technique called, Getting the Love You Want, if you're interested.)
Monday, October 14, 2019
Marriage - Part 1
One of the things I would like to do while I have the time and space is record some of the things Geoff and I have done to build a strong marriage. A successful part of my dad's professional career was interviewing top real estate agents around the country, uncovering their secrets to success, and then selling the information. It was wildly popular and helped thousands of people improve their businesses. Wouldn't it be nice if people with really successful marriages shared a few of their secrets to success? So I'll write some posts over the next month, since we're wrapping up our twentieth year of marriage!
Sometimes I marvel that Geoff and I have such a solid relationship. Here's why:
Geoff is endlessly optimistic. I am a "realist" (he calls this a pessimist).
Part of that optimism is how much he thinks he can do in a certain amount of time, and therefore he is (most often) late. I am overwhelmingly punctual. I can predict how much time things will take down to a minute.
I like structure and a plan. Geoff is flexible and spontaneous.
I am really good at details, and they are important to me. Geoff is a big picture visionary; anything is possible.
I am very practical. Simple is best. Geoff is always looking for how to make things the best they can be, which often requires more work, time, thought, and trial and error.
When on a hike or walking through a museum, or just about everything else in between, I like to keep moving at a pretty brisk pace. Geoff likes to stop and absorb what he is seeing and/or doing.
Geoff is freezing all day, wearing layers of clothing except for the summer months, then he is boiling at night. I am warm in the day and cool at night.
I'm a clean-as-you-go person. Geoff is a make-a-huge-mess-and-clean-up-after person.
I need a good amount of alone time. Geoff loves to be with people all the time.
(Just to name a few...)
You might think of the old saying that opposites attract, and that may be true, but these levels of opposite preferences and personality traits could break a marriage. They aren't easy on many different levels! But there is an overarching idea that makes it work. It is probably the number one thing that has seen us through a lot of ups and downs over the years:
Imagine God at the top of a triangle, and Geoff and I are at each of the other points. As we both work to grow closer to God, we naturally grow closer together.
Geoff and I are both deeply devoted to God. We are both trying to draw closer to Him and be like Him. Our efforts are imperfect and we have a lot of imperfect moments, but overall it is fundamental to our success. It probably sounds too simple, or maybe unrealistic to some people, if the devotion to God is uneven or one-sided, but if one's self is focused on improving themselves, on personally drawing closer to God, that will make a positive difference in the overall marriage. Of that I am certain.
Sometimes I marvel that Geoff and I have such a solid relationship. Here's why:
Geoff is endlessly optimistic. I am a "realist" (he calls this a pessimist).
Part of that optimism is how much he thinks he can do in a certain amount of time, and therefore he is (most often) late. I am overwhelmingly punctual. I can predict how much time things will take down to a minute.
I like structure and a plan. Geoff is flexible and spontaneous.
I am really good at details, and they are important to me. Geoff is a big picture visionary; anything is possible.
I am very practical. Simple is best. Geoff is always looking for how to make things the best they can be, which often requires more work, time, thought, and trial and error.
When on a hike or walking through a museum, or just about everything else in between, I like to keep moving at a pretty brisk pace. Geoff likes to stop and absorb what he is seeing and/or doing.
Geoff is freezing all day, wearing layers of clothing except for the summer months, then he is boiling at night. I am warm in the day and cool at night.
I'm a clean-as-you-go person. Geoff is a make-a-huge-mess-and-clean-up-after person.
I need a good amount of alone time. Geoff loves to be with people all the time.
(Just to name a few...)
You might think of the old saying that opposites attract, and that may be true, but these levels of opposite preferences and personality traits could break a marriage. They aren't easy on many different levels! But there is an overarching idea that makes it work. It is probably the number one thing that has seen us through a lot of ups and downs over the years:
Imagine God at the top of a triangle, and Geoff and I are at each of the other points. As we both work to grow closer to God, we naturally grow closer together.
Geoff and I are both deeply devoted to God. We are both trying to draw closer to Him and be like Him. Our efforts are imperfect and we have a lot of imperfect moments, but overall it is fundamental to our success. It probably sounds too simple, or maybe unrealistic to some people, if the devotion to God is uneven or one-sided, but if one's self is focused on improving themselves, on personally drawing closer to God, that will make a positive difference in the overall marriage. Of that I am certain.
Friday, October 11, 2019
Now What?
There are many things a mother doesn't know before getting herself into the whole, lifetime-commitment-of-loving-human-beings-more-than-yourself business, many of which are better to find out after the fact or you might just be to scared to make the leap! Then there are the endangered breed who choose to stay home and do the motherhood thing as a full-time career: carpools, classroom volunteers, team moms, cheerleader, teacher, nurse, psychologist, cook, cleaner, project manager, neighborhood gatherer and popsicle provider, party thrower, tutor, costume designer, wilderness explorer, etc. Of course, working moms try their hand at all of these things too, but the difference is that they keep a part of themselves separate. That separate self continues to grow and develop in its identity.
I don't regret staying home or getting a little more intense and homeschooling my kids. Those are magical, treasured years. I know my little humans deeply and I'm grateful for the ways we've grown and learned together. I'll admit they are the hardest years, but they are the most meaningful too. But I'm in a stage now that I never anticipated, no one pre-warned me, and no one really talks about.
Now what?
What happens when the kids grow up? What happens when they are independent and go to school all day? Then what? I guess I subconsciously thought I would always just continue being an engaged mother, but I didn't realize I would have so much time. I didn't realize I would feel a big void.
As children grow and become adults the parenting role totally shifts. One goes from being the lead role to a supporting role, maybe sometimes even just en extra in the background, not contributing much to the scene at all. That deep, rewarding sense of being so needed sort of fades out, not completely, but almost. I mean, that is the goal, right? To raise independent and self-reliant adults. Bravo! But then the mother who sacrificed all, stands alone, watching her dear children march off into the wide future, somewhat stripped of self and identity. It feels a little raw and vulnerable. Who am I now? What do I like to do? What am I interested in doing with my time? What do I care about?
Strangely, a full-time mother has gained all kinds of skills, capabilities and adaptability, yet I admit I feel a bit inadequate at pursuing a real job. And what job would be flexible and as engaging and as interesting as raising humans? I don't really want to be bound by a set schedule. And how can I find something that will fulfill me in the same way? To just go get any ol' job feels like a demotion. I mean, no one could pay enough to compensate a good mother, and then her next job pays eight bucks an hour?
Geoff has been extremely supportive of me taking a few years to rediscover myself. As I've mentioned before, I've been working on different projects I've wanted to get to, one big, time consuming one being my blog into books. That is actually a positive review and closure to a chapter in my life that is winding down. I'm also still involved enough in my children's lives that I don't want to be unavailable, yet. So now is a good time for me to take time. I read books and go on hikes with friends and go to yoga. I organize closets and drawers and work on family history. I still value keeping life moving at a good pace for everyone in the household, to keep things organized and nourishing and peaceful.
Geoff and I are exploring things we can do together as our time together increases. We've taken up road biking, with the intention of working up to road biking tours. I used to be super active, and I'm trying to experience that again. It is getting easier as time goes on, and I'm starting to have fun doing it.
We're looking into cooking more together, or maybe starting some friend dinner or book clubs. We've been so focused on family (and health) for the past ten years that much of our social lives have atrophied. What are ways we can nurture that aspect of our lives back into a good balance?
I'm realizing this is a process, and maybe a long one, but I'm grateful to be on my way and exploring the possibilities of my next chapter.
I don't regret staying home or getting a little more intense and homeschooling my kids. Those are magical, treasured years. I know my little humans deeply and I'm grateful for the ways we've grown and learned together. I'll admit they are the hardest years, but they are the most meaningful too. But I'm in a stage now that I never anticipated, no one pre-warned me, and no one really talks about.
Now what?
What happens when the kids grow up? What happens when they are independent and go to school all day? Then what? I guess I subconsciously thought I would always just continue being an engaged mother, but I didn't realize I would have so much time. I didn't realize I would feel a big void.
As children grow and become adults the parenting role totally shifts. One goes from being the lead role to a supporting role, maybe sometimes even just en extra in the background, not contributing much to the scene at all. That deep, rewarding sense of being so needed sort of fades out, not completely, but almost. I mean, that is the goal, right? To raise independent and self-reliant adults. Bravo! But then the mother who sacrificed all, stands alone, watching her dear children march off into the wide future, somewhat stripped of self and identity. It feels a little raw and vulnerable. Who am I now? What do I like to do? What am I interested in doing with my time? What do I care about?
Strangely, a full-time mother has gained all kinds of skills, capabilities and adaptability, yet I admit I feel a bit inadequate at pursuing a real job. And what job would be flexible and as engaging and as interesting as raising humans? I don't really want to be bound by a set schedule. And how can I find something that will fulfill me in the same way? To just go get any ol' job feels like a demotion. I mean, no one could pay enough to compensate a good mother, and then her next job pays eight bucks an hour?
Geoff has been extremely supportive of me taking a few years to rediscover myself. As I've mentioned before, I've been working on different projects I've wanted to get to, one big, time consuming one being my blog into books. That is actually a positive review and closure to a chapter in my life that is winding down. I'm also still involved enough in my children's lives that I don't want to be unavailable, yet. So now is a good time for me to take time. I read books and go on hikes with friends and go to yoga. I organize closets and drawers and work on family history. I still value keeping life moving at a good pace for everyone in the household, to keep things organized and nourishing and peaceful.
Geoff and I are exploring things we can do together as our time together increases. We've taken up road biking, with the intention of working up to road biking tours. I used to be super active, and I'm trying to experience that again. It is getting easier as time goes on, and I'm starting to have fun doing it.
We're looking into cooking more together, or maybe starting some friend dinner or book clubs. We've been so focused on family (and health) for the past ten years that much of our social lives have atrophied. What are ways we can nurture that aspect of our lives back into a good balance?
I'm realizing this is a process, and maybe a long one, but I'm grateful to be on my way and exploring the possibilities of my next chapter.
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
Fall Beauty!
We have had the most beautiful fall weather and color change so far! Friday night we picked up Tennie at the train station and went to Sundance to ride the lift to the top, hike around and eat dinner. Leaves were just starting to change, but there were areas bursting with color. It was beautiful.
We then settled in for a long weekend of General Conference where we heard from our prophet and the twelve apostles and other church leaders. That was beautiful too!
We then settled in for a long weekend of General Conference where we heard from our prophet and the twelve apostles and other church leaders. That was beautiful too!
Friday, October 4, 2019
Growing Up Nowadays
We have three teenagers. All of them grew up with a pretty idyllic and protected childhood full of play, imagination, creativity and a lot of outdoor space. All three have always had individual inclinations, spirit, will and strength. Geoff and I often marveled at their childhood selves, wondering who in the world they were and who they would become. There was a certain force and power in their small beings, nothing dull or mediocre. As we pass through these teenage years, I feel their first big hurdle will be navigating this phase of life.
Why is it that teenage anxiety and suicide are at an all-time high, with many debilitated at 8-9 years old?
Is it a general rise in screen time, with its brain changing elements just from looking at the darn things?
Is it a lack of time outdoors feeling free and alive?
Is it social media and the comparisons to the ideal life, style, friends, travel, body, etc.?
Is it trying to portray who you wish you were instead of who you really are and losing touch with our basic, fundamental identity?
Is it the addictive nature of social media, video games, etc. that eat away the opportunity to create real self-worth through accomplishment?
Is it exposure to all of the evil in the world too young?
Is it the pressure to get into college with more and more stuffed into their heads (plus all being digested on social media) and less time to be creative and in their bodies? Or the pressure to be a superstar human or you won't get in to college at all?
Is it the confusion of gender and marriage and religion and politics and racism and privilege and sexual assault and the state of the planet ?
Is it the hate and anger now commonplace in the public square?
Is it worrying that any day someone could bust into your school and open fire?
Why do many youth not have enough grit to do hard things? Are they getting away with not doing hard things? For example, do we fill their summers with travel and camps and family gatherings and as a result there is not time for a summer, full-time job? Day in day out hard and sometimes mundane work?
Is the pace of life just too fast to keep up? Is life just too overwhelming?
I mean, this is just my observation, I'm sure there are many other hidden (and not so hidden) forces against these young people. Can you imagine? This is not like my adolescence. In most ways, I do not really relate to their reality. And they don't really remember a time when it wasn't like this, a time without being bombarded by conflicting input, a civil time, a calmer time. I used my first computer to write a paper in college at age 23. That is just how much has changed in the last 20ish years. I have to hand it to the kids of this age. They are brave and strong.
Let's talk about the climate march.
Our girls know a lot of the facts and realities of global warming. We've upped our personal, family game in trying to be more environmentally conscientious, but recognize it is really the big businesses and government leadership that will make the greatest changes. But they want action, they want to live life on this beautiful planet without devastating famines and natural disasters, and they want predictable weather and sea life and clean air and water to drink out of the tap. I admire the determination to bring attention to such a serious and urgent issue.
It is just one of many weights they carry. And yes they don't have a lifetime of experience and judgement, but they know a heckuva lot more than we did at their age. They have a lot to say and their voices are worth being heard. It might just make us think more deeply about things we've put on auto pilot. It has been a privilege, albeit a sometimes hair-raising one, to watch these three grow into themselves. They are capable to chart a different course than we've had to travel. I've learned a lot from their concerns and observations and opinions.
One thing is for sure, they need our confidence and support and encouragement and respect. These years of development are tough enough on their own, but this generation has a heavy load we didn't have to bear. I say, cheer them on!
Why is it that teenage anxiety and suicide are at an all-time high, with many debilitated at 8-9 years old?
Is it a general rise in screen time, with its brain changing elements just from looking at the darn things?
Is it a lack of time outdoors feeling free and alive?
Is it social media and the comparisons to the ideal life, style, friends, travel, body, etc.?
Is it trying to portray who you wish you were instead of who you really are and losing touch with our basic, fundamental identity?
Is it the addictive nature of social media, video games, etc. that eat away the opportunity to create real self-worth through accomplishment?
Is it exposure to all of the evil in the world too young?
Is it the pressure to get into college with more and more stuffed into their heads (plus all being digested on social media) and less time to be creative and in their bodies? Or the pressure to be a superstar human or you won't get in to college at all?
Is it the confusion of gender and marriage and religion and politics and racism and privilege and sexual assault and the state of the planet ?
Is it the hate and anger now commonplace in the public square?
Is it worrying that any day someone could bust into your school and open fire?
Why do many youth not have enough grit to do hard things? Are they getting away with not doing hard things? For example, do we fill their summers with travel and camps and family gatherings and as a result there is not time for a summer, full-time job? Day in day out hard and sometimes mundane work?
Is the pace of life just too fast to keep up? Is life just too overwhelming?
I mean, this is just my observation, I'm sure there are many other hidden (and not so hidden) forces against these young people. Can you imagine? This is not like my adolescence. In most ways, I do not really relate to their reality. And they don't really remember a time when it wasn't like this, a time without being bombarded by conflicting input, a civil time, a calmer time. I used my first computer to write a paper in college at age 23. That is just how much has changed in the last 20ish years. I have to hand it to the kids of this age. They are brave and strong.
Let's talk about the climate march.
Our girls know a lot of the facts and realities of global warming. We've upped our personal, family game in trying to be more environmentally conscientious, but recognize it is really the big businesses and government leadership that will make the greatest changes. But they want action, they want to live life on this beautiful planet without devastating famines and natural disasters, and they want predictable weather and sea life and clean air and water to drink out of the tap. I admire the determination to bring attention to such a serious and urgent issue.
It is just one of many weights they carry. And yes they don't have a lifetime of experience and judgement, but they know a heckuva lot more than we did at their age. They have a lot to say and their voices are worth being heard. It might just make us think more deeply about things we've put on auto pilot. It has been a privilege, albeit a sometimes hair-raising one, to watch these three grow into themselves. They are capable to chart a different course than we've had to travel. I've learned a lot from their concerns and observations and opinions.
One thing is for sure, they need our confidence and support and encouragement and respect. These years of development are tough enough on their own, but this generation has a heavy load we didn't have to bear. I say, cheer them on!
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
September Wrap-Up
Where in the world did September go? I barely remember acknowledging it's presence.
Geoff took two separate trips to New York for some investor meetings, to speak at a conference and for a YGL event. We had a two-week, late 20th anniversary trip to Amsterdam and Rome planned, but when Geoff got home from these trips and anticipated the weeks of travel, followed by more weeks of work travel, we decided to cancel our anniversary trip just a few days before departure to try to lighten his fall work load. Strangely, it was a relief to not be going and we quickly moved on. For the first time in a long time, Geoff is spending quality time in the office and feeling productive. That has been nice.
He attended a management retreat for work, which is really quite fun. Despite SNOW, he joined a group to hike one morning. I was sad to miss it, but so glad I was able to celebrate Ceci's birthday at home.
He has wanted to climb a mountain for his birthday for several years, and for one reason or another hasn't had the time to get in shape or been able to find a free Saturday around his birthday. But this year he threw training to the wind and just went and climbed Mt. Olympus. He paid the price with sore muscles for days, but he did it! Climb a mountain for birthday - CHECK!
Tennie held a housewarming party at her new student house in Provo where a handful of friends came. That led to more social invitations and friends, concerts, campouts, parties and bike rides. Her social floodgates have finally opened at BYU! That first year was tough for her. The dorms weren't her scene, but she has found her people and place. She also got a job as a stage hand and usher at the Harris Fine Arts Center on campus. Life is full and good in Provo!
School is well underway and mostly we're in comfortable rhythms. Adele is insanely busy and generally stressed out. She moves in and out of the house, living her own life and working to manage a lot of spinning plates. SAT testing and college applications are looming too. She'll be glad to get past those in the next couple months.
Ceci decided to take math online so she could work at her own pace, but we discovered that the math instruction for this online course was quite poor and moved very fast. We were having a difficult time finding a tutor, and in the meantime she and I were spending at least 2 hours a day trying to figure out the concepts and work through the assignments. It was a pathetic sight. I mean, me as her math tutor/teacher in high school?! Laughable. Basically, it felt like we ate, breathed, and slept math during the entire month of September. Starting in October we have her in a math class in school. This will require some catching up in the new class and wrapping up in the online class, but we're hoping for some smoother sailing in our near future.
A hummingbird flew in our open window and eventually got itself stuck in between our two window panes. After about 20 minutes, Geoff lifted it out carefully with two chopsticks. We took it outside where it sat, traumatized, for about 45 minutes. (We kept Mila indoors!) Geoff tried to feed it some sugar water, but it didn't move. It was so beautiful and so TINY!
We gathered with Geoff's siblings for a picnic in the canyon one weekend.
This past weekend Geoff, Adele, Ceci and I went to St. George so I could attend my 30th high school reunion, the first I've been to. I was so excited to see people after all of these years! It was so fun to catch up with long lost friends and find out where life had taken them. Not many were there, but I'm so glad I went. This is a great group of people.
Geoff and I went on a bike through Snow Canyon, which is so incredibly beautiful. I lost some of the pictures I took somehow, darnit!
On to cooler weather, changing leaves, pumpkins and warm tea!
Geoff took two separate trips to New York for some investor meetings, to speak at a conference and for a YGL event. We had a two-week, late 20th anniversary trip to Amsterdam and Rome planned, but when Geoff got home from these trips and anticipated the weeks of travel, followed by more weeks of work travel, we decided to cancel our anniversary trip just a few days before departure to try to lighten his fall work load. Strangely, it was a relief to not be going and we quickly moved on. For the first time in a long time, Geoff is spending quality time in the office and feeling productive. That has been nice.
He attended a management retreat for work, which is really quite fun. Despite SNOW, he joined a group to hike one morning. I was sad to miss it, but so glad I was able to celebrate Ceci's birthday at home.
He has wanted to climb a mountain for his birthday for several years, and for one reason or another hasn't had the time to get in shape or been able to find a free Saturday around his birthday. But this year he threw training to the wind and just went and climbed Mt. Olympus. He paid the price with sore muscles for days, but he did it! Climb a mountain for birthday - CHECK!
Tennie held a housewarming party at her new student house in Provo where a handful of friends came. That led to more social invitations and friends, concerts, campouts, parties and bike rides. Her social floodgates have finally opened at BYU! That first year was tough for her. The dorms weren't her scene, but she has found her people and place. She also got a job as a stage hand and usher at the Harris Fine Arts Center on campus. Life is full and good in Provo!
School is well underway and mostly we're in comfortable rhythms. Adele is insanely busy and generally stressed out. She moves in and out of the house, living her own life and working to manage a lot of spinning plates. SAT testing and college applications are looming too. She'll be glad to get past those in the next couple months.
Ceci decided to take math online so she could work at her own pace, but we discovered that the math instruction for this online course was quite poor and moved very fast. We were having a difficult time finding a tutor, and in the meantime she and I were spending at least 2 hours a day trying to figure out the concepts and work through the assignments. It was a pathetic sight. I mean, me as her math tutor/teacher in high school?! Laughable. Basically, it felt like we ate, breathed, and slept math during the entire month of September. Starting in October we have her in a math class in school. This will require some catching up in the new class and wrapping up in the online class, but we're hoping for some smoother sailing in our near future.
A hummingbird flew in our open window and eventually got itself stuck in between our two window panes. After about 20 minutes, Geoff lifted it out carefully with two chopsticks. We took it outside where it sat, traumatized, for about 45 minutes. (We kept Mila indoors!) Geoff tried to feed it some sugar water, but it didn't move. It was so beautiful and so TINY!
We gathered with Geoff's siblings for a picnic in the canyon one weekend.
This past weekend Geoff, Adele, Ceci and I went to St. George so I could attend my 30th high school reunion, the first I've been to. I was so excited to see people after all of these years! It was so fun to catch up with long lost friends and find out where life had taken them. Not many were there, but I'm so glad I went. This is a great group of people.
Geoff and I went on a bike through Snow Canyon, which is so incredibly beautiful. I lost some of the pictures I took somehow, darnit!
On to cooler weather, changing leaves, pumpkins and warm tea!
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Geoff is 48!
Geoff's birthday was before Ceci's, but it was so uneventful I wasn't even going to give it its own post. He had a busy day at work and didn't get home until 8PM, all of us gathering to eat his cold blackberry cobbler before scriptures and bed. But his family always rallies with some birthday love, and it is worth recording and remembering, so here are the things people love about Geoff:
Brittany
Happy happy happy birthday Geoff!!!! I admire you on so many levels. For your absolute love and devotion to your family, for always putting others needs and well-being above your own, for your fun adventurous spirit, for your active interest in others lives, for your hard work and dedication towards helping those less fortunate, for all you've accomplished, for your sense of style, for the way you treat everyone you meet, for your connection to Heavenly Father and our Savior, for the peace you carry and instill in others. I'm so proud to be your sister and I love you!!
Nikki
Happy happy birthday, G! You're dang old, but still got it! For real, though, I love how young at heart you are, how much fun you are, how you love adventure and being a nutball with kids and just living life to the fullest! Your dedication to constantly improving yourself is very admirable. Your sensitivity to the feelings of others and constant striving to terat people like the Savior would is equally as admirable. I love your thirst for knowledge and passion for empowering others. And your'e an amazing dad, husband, brother and friend. Have a great day and a phenomenal time in Europe!
Erica
Happy happy birthday Geoff! A common conversation in our house lately has been about you and how you have channeled your deep love for teasing into something that is so incredibly fun to be around. You are really amazing at self-mastery and changing in really deliberate and positive ways. We hope that some of our little teasers can grow up to be as kind, thoughtful and fun as you! Love you! Happy Birthday!
Ian
Hope your day is awesome, G! I have learned a lot from you--both actual information from talking with you and how to be a better person from being around you and seeing your example. You strike a perfect balance of being smart, considerate, adventurous, thoughtful, in tune with the Spirit, ambitious, empathetic, light-hearted and fully engaged! Love ya, man!
His dad
Geoff, I'm very glad you were born, especially as the first of the Mesha and Keenan issue. I'm gratified that you've repeatedly demonstrated over the your lifetime and intense desire to serve every mission you were sent here to perform! Happy Birthday! I love you. It's wonderful to watch those missions unfold.
Ingrid
Happy birthday, Geoff!!! I love reading all the great things everyone has said about you. You are an incredible person-you are kind and sensitive; you seek to understand; you are introspective and self-improving; you live life fully and enjoy the present moment; you have great ambitions and hopes for the future; you soak in the sunset and the ocean and the sun-warmth and the natural beauty around you; you are a delightful and playful uncle for all the cousins; you are a protector and cheerleader for all of us. I love you tons, and if I were with you today, I would let you shoot a spit-wad into my ear. Happy Birthday!!!
Emily
Happy Birthday Geoff! You are a truly remarkable person and older brother. You always make me feel like a million bucks. You are humble and kind and generous. I sure love you.
Booch
Happy birthday Geoff!! I still cry like I did when you left for your mission every time I have to leave you because that's how much you mean to me and how much I love you! I seriously have looked up to and respected you so incredibly much my entire life, and I think on a consistent basis about how you would approve of different decisions that I make in my life. You lead with so much integrity, thoughtfulness, love, service, intent and humility. It has been such an honor to witness you develop your fabric as a human being that's constantly refining, learning, growing, sacrificing, purifying, and rinsing and repeating these processes until the greatest core of a man is developed. I vividly remember many moments when you could have gotten made in a situation and that I was able to watch you go through your process that was clearly prepared for that moment to change your order of thinking into how you wanted yourself to respond in a positive manner and treat the moment as a learning experience. This was very inspiring for me to witness and it proved how much self development you put into your character. This character has led to making an astonishing impact in the world, your amazing family and our entire family as a whole. I absolutely love hanging out with you and just spending time and I'll never forget our amazing trips that we have taken together. I love your sense of humor and the way you tease us as mentioned. I love your soul. I love your heart and desire to do so much good. I love your effortless leadership. I love your love of adventure and up-for-a-good-time personality. I love your passion for life and I love that I get to call you my brother for eternity. I love you always man! Happiest of birthdays!!
And a written-in email from Tennie to read as we all verbally said what we love about him (I'm so glad we have this in writing, as it captures a bit of Geoff's devotion and sacrifice and love as a dad.)
Brittany
Happy happy happy birthday Geoff!!!! I admire you on so many levels. For your absolute love and devotion to your family, for always putting others needs and well-being above your own, for your fun adventurous spirit, for your active interest in others lives, for your hard work and dedication towards helping those less fortunate, for all you've accomplished, for your sense of style, for the way you treat everyone you meet, for your connection to Heavenly Father and our Savior, for the peace you carry and instill in others. I'm so proud to be your sister and I love you!!
Nikki
Happy happy birthday, G! You're dang old, but still got it! For real, though, I love how young at heart you are, how much fun you are, how you love adventure and being a nutball with kids and just living life to the fullest! Your dedication to constantly improving yourself is very admirable. Your sensitivity to the feelings of others and constant striving to terat people like the Savior would is equally as admirable. I love your thirst for knowledge and passion for empowering others. And your'e an amazing dad, husband, brother and friend. Have a great day and a phenomenal time in Europe!
Erica
Happy happy birthday Geoff! A common conversation in our house lately has been about you and how you have channeled your deep love for teasing into something that is so incredibly fun to be around. You are really amazing at self-mastery and changing in really deliberate and positive ways. We hope that some of our little teasers can grow up to be as kind, thoughtful and fun as you! Love you! Happy Birthday!
Ian
Hope your day is awesome, G! I have learned a lot from you--both actual information from talking with you and how to be a better person from being around you and seeing your example. You strike a perfect balance of being smart, considerate, adventurous, thoughtful, in tune with the Spirit, ambitious, empathetic, light-hearted and fully engaged! Love ya, man!
His dad
Geoff, I'm very glad you were born, especially as the first of the Mesha and Keenan issue. I'm gratified that you've repeatedly demonstrated over the your lifetime and intense desire to serve every mission you were sent here to perform! Happy Birthday! I love you. It's wonderful to watch those missions unfold.
Ingrid
Happy birthday, Geoff!!! I love reading all the great things everyone has said about you. You are an incredible person-you are kind and sensitive; you seek to understand; you are introspective and self-improving; you live life fully and enjoy the present moment; you have great ambitions and hopes for the future; you soak in the sunset and the ocean and the sun-warmth and the natural beauty around you; you are a delightful and playful uncle for all the cousins; you are a protector and cheerleader for all of us. I love you tons, and if I were with you today, I would let you shoot a spit-wad into my ear. Happy Birthday!!!
Emily
Happy Birthday Geoff! You are a truly remarkable person and older brother. You always make me feel like a million bucks. You are humble and kind and generous. I sure love you.
Booch
Happy birthday Geoff!! I still cry like I did when you left for your mission every time I have to leave you because that's how much you mean to me and how much I love you! I seriously have looked up to and respected you so incredibly much my entire life, and I think on a consistent basis about how you would approve of different decisions that I make in my life. You lead with so much integrity, thoughtfulness, love, service, intent and humility. It has been such an honor to witness you develop your fabric as a human being that's constantly refining, learning, growing, sacrificing, purifying, and rinsing and repeating these processes until the greatest core of a man is developed. I vividly remember many moments when you could have gotten made in a situation and that I was able to watch you go through your process that was clearly prepared for that moment to change your order of thinking into how you wanted yourself to respond in a positive manner and treat the moment as a learning experience. This was very inspiring for me to witness and it proved how much self development you put into your character. This character has led to making an astonishing impact in the world, your amazing family and our entire family as a whole. I absolutely love hanging out with you and just spending time and I'll never forget our amazing trips that we have taken together. I love your sense of humor and the way you tease us as mentioned. I love your soul. I love your heart and desire to do so much good. I love your effortless leadership. I love your love of adventure and up-for-a-good-time personality. I love your passion for life and I love that I get to call you my brother for eternity. I love you always man! Happiest of birthdays!!
And a written-in email from Tennie to read as we all verbally said what we love about him (I'm so glad we have this in writing, as it captures a bit of Geoff's devotion and sacrifice and love as a dad.)
I love how sensitive dad is to people. He’s sensitive in a way that feels truly empathetic. Across every aspect of his life, and since he was young, dad feels and recognizes other people’s struggles and then will do whatever he can to fix it. Professionally, dad has dedicated his whole life to helping people. He cares about every single person he helps and he wants - on an individual level - for every person to have a good and happy life. And so he’s given so many things away to people on the street. He’s bought huge meals for people who can’t afford their own. I remember a few times he even gave away clothes he was wearing (and clothes he really loved) to people, and I know he wishes he could do that more often. And then with us, and with me specifically, dad has always sacrificed comfort, time, sleep, food, health, and other things that are really valuable to him, for me. I can specifically remember multiple times when dad sat with me at the kitchen table working on an essay or a math problem, both of our eyes drooping, both of us watching forlornly as the oven clock ticked onward towards midnight. I always told him he could go to bed, and he always smiled a tired, loving smile (and I can see it in my head, and will be able to see it forever!) and told me he hoped I would remember this. There have to have been at least a few hundred times I or one of my sisters wanted a muffin or fruit or something dad was eating or saving, and as soon as he caught wind that one of us wanted it, he gave whatever it was to us, no matter how much he wanted it. No matter if it was rationed, and we had already eaten our ration, and he hadn’t. And almost every time I call dad, he answers and says he’s in a meeting but that he can talk for a second.
I can’t really fathom the mind-blowing selflessness he has. He’s so fiercely and sincerely loving and determinedly, quietly, humbly, selfless. I hope I can be more like that when I grow up. I really want to be as selfless and caring and empathetic and thoughtful as dad is. He makes me feel so safe. I can’t imagine getting any more lucky in the dad department.
Happy birthday to a human who’s gotta be just about as good as they come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)