Marriage - Part 7

It is often helpful to have a phrase that means something to both people. "This isn't working for me", that I mentioned in my last marriage post, signifies we're moving into a problem-solving mode. We both know it; all brainstorming is welcome and encouraged. We have another phrase:

Can I make a request?

You know those things in home life that are just annoying? Someone leaves the cupboard doors open, the sponge doesn't get rinsed out, wet towels are left on the floor, and the list goes on. The crazy thing about these types of annoyances is that they are only annoying to some people. I may not even notice that what I'm doing is bothersome to Geoff, or vice versa. Of course, there are some things you just ignore, accommodate, or embrace, but some things are really irksome. Instead of resentment building or resorting to nagging, we just say, "Can I make a request?" We both know that the other is going to recommend a change in behavior when we hear that phrase. "Would you mind cleaning off the table after you work there? A clean table is visually important for me." To the one receiving the request, it may seem silly to care so much about something, or it may seem hard to change the habit, but LOVE is the motivation. If I know Geoff is really bothered by something, even if I don't think it is a big deal, I want to work on changing the behavior. It might take me awhile to remember, but if he occasionally reminds me I am thankful for the nudges toward change.

Good communication requires selflessness, humility, fairness and kindness. It demands respectfulness and oneness.

To finish off this marriage series, I am going to share a mentality, or perspective, that kind of ties all of these posts together. Geoff and I consider ourselves a team. Team Davis. It isn't about Geoff and it isn't about me, it is about us. We are always looking out for the team. Neither of us would knowingly hurt each other, take from the other, or seek to only build up our own interests. Sometimes one team member needs all support, and in that case the other rallies. With Geoff's illness and my depression, we both have had times of life revolving around our needs. It isn't easy.

I remember one time in France when Geoff was very sick I was readying the trash to take to the street 122 stairs up, a daily task. Geoff was laying on the couch. He said something like, "Darcie, I so badly want to take the trash out. Please know I am so grateful you are carrying all the load right now. I'm not going to get used to this. I WILL take out the trash again when I can."

If a person on the team is out, for whatever reason, the other takes up the slack without resentment (done through communication). A team is unified in purpose. They work to get better. They watch out for each other's wellbeing. Being a good team member requires the same qualities as good communication: selflessness, humility, fairness, kindness, respect and oneness.

Be a team.

Marriage - Part 6

There is a personality color test we once did. I can't remember the name of the book, but it was pretty simplistic, dividing people into one of four colors:

RED - Type A, takes charge, quick decisions, problem solver, self-reliant, gets things done
BLUE - Likes order, conscientious, disciplined, precise, thorough
YELLOW - Optimistic, enthusiastic, people person, spontaneous, fun, free
WHITE - Peacemaker, calm, agreeable, loyal, self-controlled, consistent, good listener

You get the basic idea. Geoff is a RED/YELLOW and I am a RED/BLUE.

When our kids were small, Geoff was starting a company that took him away from home a lot. Often he was gone for weeks at a time. Every Saturday he was in town I would present a list of to-do items for us to accomplish on our rare day at home together. With two of us tackling the list the things might just get done! I looked forward to these Saturdays, placing all hope of feeling control in my life on that list. Productivity was my goal! But every Saturday would pass by and Geoff would move slowly, go on bike rides, play with the girls, push for outings, and somehow we never quite got to my list. This drove me crazy, and the things on the list just didn't get done. I had to fight resentment.

One day it occurred to me, after taking this color personality test for fun, that Geoff was RED all day every day at work, and when he came home on weekends, he wanted to honor the YELLOW in him. He needed space in his life to be free, fun, playful and spontaneous. That was a big discovery for me. I realized it was important for me to allow him this space. This took a lot of pressure off of Geoff. There was not a to-do list for him to tackle every weekend at home. This wasn't laziness or selfishness, it was really something he needed to fully be his best self.

But what about me and honoring what I needed? Geoff's work demands left me mothering alone most of the time with little ones. I had a hard time getting things done (honoring my RED) and keeping order in my life (honoring my BLUE), yet I loved that Geoff had a meaningful job that was full of purpose. I didn't want to ask him to give it up, and I knew that if he stayed with it the time demands would continue. I had a life coach for awhile that introduced a simple phrase:

This isn't working for me.

This isn't a selfish phrase. In full it went something like this, "I love that you have a job that you love, and I want to support you in every way possible, but always having you gone, and me not having support at home to get things done or have breaks isn't working for me." It is a problem-solving phrase, an invitation to seek solutions. Solutions that came out of these conversations over the years were a cleaning lady, a babysitter two afternoons a week so I could have a break, finding a handyman to come once a month, babysitting trades for date night, etc.

I love this phrase because it takes out finger pointing. It wasn't Geoff's fault for not getting the list done, and it wasn't my fault for always having a list. It just WAS. So what do we do about it? Of course, it really helps that we genuinely wanted each other to be happy and supported. Paying for outside help was a sacrifice, and it was worth the sacrifice so that both of us felt supported (as much as possible) in any given situation.

We've only used this a handful of times over the years, but it has been amazingly helpful each time.

October Wrap-Up

I haven't been posting for two reasons. First, it has been an uneventful month. Plenty has been going on, but nothing to post about. Second, I've been working on turning old posts into books (this is an insane amount of work the way I'm doing it) and I'm not super excited about creating more work for myself unnecessarily!

One thing that DID go on in October was FALL. It was a long and beautiful fall, and we got out to enjoy it often. I didn't get too many pictures, other than a trip to Stewart Falls with Emily and Bailey and a walk up Memory Grove with Adele.

Halloween snuck up on us this year. I'm grateful to be out of the insanely busy Halloween season with little kids. Now I just love seeing what they come up with at the last minute. Adele and her friends all dressed up as each other. Adele was Sami and Sami was Adele. Only the very observant noticed.

She and her friend Alexa went to Provo to a Halloween party with Tennie and she came out as a friar. 

Ceci wasn't sure what the dressing up would be at her high school so she took a quick idea from Adele's school costume, grabbed a name tag and went to school as "Shane". I love that girl's humor! And then she met up with friends for evening trick-or-treating and fun and went as a good ol' fashion ghost.

How is that for a speedy quick wrap-up?